


元気

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 20:33:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by stormy<br/>Akanishi Jin has many regrets, many things he wishes he could do over. So what when he suddenly gets the chance to do so? Is it really an honest thing to do, try to turn back time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! A new multichapter. I’m still slightly nervous about that one because I’ve been panning it for so long, changing and rearranging things… Well, here is the first chapter. Hope you will like it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

I was sitting on my couch, not moving, still staring incredulous at the TV screen, as I had done for the last half an hour. I still tried to take in what they kept repeating and repeating in the news, but my head refused to understand.

_BREAKING NEWS: KAT-TUN’s Kamenashi Kazuya in hospital! … JE Idol fell off stage during a concert… Concert had to be called off… Immediately unconscious… hit his head… rushed to the hospital… critical condition… still waiting for an official statement…_

I noticed that I was shaking, but I couldn’t make myself move for all I had. I stared at the photo they showed of Kame, an archived one with this professional smile on his face. One that I knew too well. He had not shown me a real one for ages. Those times were long over.

It wasn’t until they started to report on a typhoon in China that I finally managed to avert my eyes from the screen, my fingers automatically diving into my jeans pocket, retrieving my cell phone. I was scrolling through my contacts, not really paying attention to what I was doing. All that was going through my head was Kame, the one who had been my best friend for ages, and the fact that he was hurt, and it twisted my stomach into some kind of painful knot, making it hard to breath, to think, to-

I stopped myself in time before pressing call to dial Kame’s number. What the heck, Jin?! As if you would reach _him_ of all people now…

I scrolled down further, finally finding Nakamaru’s name before pressing the call button, raising the phone to my ear slowly. It rang for quite a while, and for a moment, I wondered if he would even be able to take it. After all, he was at the hospital, for all I knew, with everyone else, at Kame’s side… Where they should be. Where I kind of wished I could be, too, where I felt I was supposed to be, but I guessthose times were long over, too.

Finally, Nakamaru took my call.

“Hi Jin” he said, apparently having checked the caller ID. He sounded tired, his voice a little hoarse, maybe after effects from the concert, but above all, he sounded drained of energy. Not that I could blame him. But his exhaustion was a huge contrast to my feelings of coming out of my skin, screaming and throwing something.

“How is he?” I asked, not even bothering to beat around the bush. He should know that it was all over the news by now.

“We don’t know, Jin” he sighed. “He is still being checked through. We’ve been waiting here for hours too, without any news. I can’t tell you anything. And I think, if they have any results, they are also going to tell his family first. They are here as well.”

I closed my eyes, resting my head in my hand. Why did this have to happen? Why _him_?! Why now, when I just had returned from the states and should worry about the release of my new album instead of him. But how could I now? How could I worry about _anything_ but him under these circumstances?!

“Will he be alright?” I asked, my voice shaking.

Nakamaru was quiet for a moment, before he murmured: “I wish I could say yes, Jin, but fact is… I don’t know. He hit the floor pretty hard. It was like in a bad movie or something – there was blood everywhere, and he was unconscious, and… I don’t know. It seemed pretty serious.” His voice seemed thin while he talked, and it showed me how much of a strain it was to him as well.

“I’ll be on my way, okay?” I murmured, my voice no more than a whisper, but Nakamaru still seemed to hear me.

“Where to?” he asked, perplexed.

“To the hospital” I answered. “I’ll just grab my things and be over. I-“

“Jin, NO!” Nakamaru said firmly, his voice suddenly alive again. “Stay where you are! This is a terrible idea!”

“But – Yuichi-“ I started to protest, slightly offended, but he cut me off.

“I know how you feel, Jin, but if you turn up here now, this is going to be a disaster. You haven’t talked to Kame since you left for America. Everyone is mad at you as it is, and they are tensed up as hell under the situation – it’s going to escalade if you just march in here now, acting as if nothing happened!”

“But it’s KAME!” I protested, as if that excused everything. And for me, it did. “I can’t just sit here and act as if I don’t care, Yuichi! I’m scared!”

“I know you are” he answered, soothingly. And I knew that he really did. He was the only one left in KAT-TUN who understood me. “And I know that, no matter what happened, Kame still means a lot to you, but believe me, you won’t help anyone by turning up here now! I promise, I’ll call you as soon as I know anything, but please, stay where you are!”

I gulped, trying to suppress the tears that started welling up in my eyes. It hurt. It hurt like hell to know that there was something wrong with Kame, and not being allowed to be there for him. To be there with him.

“I’m sorry, Jin” Nakamaru murmured. “I wished things were different too, but – you were the one who left, after all. You can’t act as if that didn’t happen. You chose this path yourself. Now stick to it.”

His words were cruel, but I knew that he was right. Those days when I was the first one at Kame’s side were gone. They would not return, no matter how much I sometimes wished they would. We were no longer 20, no longer best friends.

“Okay” I finally said, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry.” With that, I hung up. I closed both my palms around the cell phone, leaning my forehead onto them, a tear escaping past my eyelids.

How could it ever have come this far? Kame and I had been so close. He had been the most important person to me. Whenever something had happened to him, I had been the first one to be there. I had been the first he would call. It seemed natural like that, even now, when we hadn’t talked for more than a year.

Sometimes, I wished that I had never gone to America in 2006. Everything had been fine before I went – it had only started when I returned. The misunderstandings. The pointless fights. The way Kame had just decided that it was enough, that I had changed too much and that we no longer could continue our friendship like we used to.

It seemed like, when we had been younger, everything had come natural to us. Like a wave of mutual understanding and trust, and we didn’t have to try, we just _were_. Looking back, it was the happiest time of my life, the days when Kame had been the one closest to me. I could really be _me_ with him, and it had been enough, I had felt at peace.

It had been totally different when I had come back from the US. Not that I had not been welcome – Kame did not always talk about his feelings openly, but he had shown me how happy he was that I was back. There was no way I could have missed it. But something had just been wrong. It had felt unnatural, suddenly.

Maybe I really had changed in America. Maybe we really had grown apart so much that it would no longer work. I didn’t know, until now, what really had gone wrong.

All that was certain was that we had stopped being friends, and that I couldn’t take it, so I left. It was hard, being close to Kame and knowing that I was not _close_ to him anymore, even if he was right in front of my eyes, near enough to reach out to.

But I didn’t know how to. Reach out, I mean. It felt like, every time I tried to talk to him, I just couldn’t – my voice would not work with me, or I would say things that I had never meant to.

So in the end, I just left, without even telling him. I had had no idea how to do it, so I just ran. Like I was used to doing.

I hadn’t talked to him ever since. Though there had been many times when I had stared at my phone, wondering if I should call him, apologize for how things went, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

In interviews, I would often be asked if I had any regrets. If I could do something over, what would it be? I would always lie and say that there was nothing, that I was happy with my life as it was. But in truth, there were a lot of things that, if I had the change, I would correct.

Maybe I would not have even gone to America.

I would have held onto Kame, tell him how important he was to me, that I did not want to lose him as a friend.

I would have talked to him before I left the band.

There were so many things that I wished that I had done… But I hadn’t. And now, it was too late. Kame probably hated me, just like everyone else from KAT-TUN, and I could not even blame them.

I knew it. I knew what the situation was like, and that there was no way back. But it still didn’t change the fact that the thought of losing Kame, of something happening to him, was too cruel to handle for me.

I did not sleep that night. I did not even bother to go to bed – all I did was staring into space, seeing Kame’s face in front of me, praying to please let him be alright. I didn’t know what to do if he… It was all too much.

It felt like everything I had built up in my life until now, my solo career, my new album which was going to be released soon, 47 Rounin… It was all meaningless. I would give all of it up willingly, if I could ensure Kame’s health with it. Compared to Kame and his condition, nothing mattered.

The more shocked I was that, when the sun had started to set, my manager waited at my doorstep. Reminding me of a press conference I had to give in the morning.

I only stared at him, blinking at the professional strictness in his face, and wondered for a moment if I should just shut the door in his face and pretend he had never been here.

“You are kidding me, right?” I had asked quietly. “Have you been following the news?”

“Are you talking about that ex band mate of yours?” he had asked, frowning. “I thought that part of your life was over?”

I stared, unsure if I had heard right.

“This press conference is important, Jin” he prodded. “It is about your new album, and your solo debut in Japan! You can’t miss it for anything in the world!”

I was not sure what to answer him.  I could not miss it for anything in the world? Was it that important? Could work related things ever be _that_ important?

For now, it didn’t seem to matter to me at all. Kame’s life was on the line. What was a press conference compared to that?

“Please, Jin, get your things and come with me now. This is important.” My manager continued.

I just shook my head in wonder, staring at him.

“Jin-“

“My former best friend is in the hospital right now” I whispered, because I feared that, if I spoke only an ounce louder, I’d end up screaming. “I have no idea how he is. He could be dying right now, for all I know. And you want me to give a _press conference_?”

“What can you do for him now?!” he demanded. “Will blowing up your schedule help him? I think not!”

“It’s not a matter of helping” I murmured, my voice becoming higher. “It’s a matter of respect and sensibility!”

“I don’t know why this is bothering you so much!” my manager frowned. “You haven’t had any contact to him since you left the band. What’s the matter now?!”

I balled my hand into a fist, not looking at him neither answering. What did he know, anyways? It was not like he knew what was going on inside of me. For him, KAT-TUN and Kame were my past and had nothing to do with the present me. For me, they would never be the past. They would always have a place in my present, and I didn’t know how people could not understand that.

“I refuse to let you make trouble because of such a thing” he finally continued. “You are giving this press conference, Jin. You have to be thankful for the chance you get. You can’t let it pass.” He looked at his clock, making a face before saying: “I’ll be waiting for you in the car. You’ve got 5 minutes.” With that, he turned his back to me, and I stood in my doorway, shell-shocked.

I still couldn’t believe that this was happening. Was this world I chose to live in really that cruel?

They said the showbiz was. Maybe I had been pampered until now, but somehow, I had always gotten my way. Maybe it had had to do with Kame. He had been the leader of KAT-TUN, after all. Maybe he had pampered me, even after we had stopped talking, without me noticing. He had always had a way of doing that, of giving in to me, when we were younger. I wondered if it had stuck to him till the very end until I left.

In the end, I went. I played my part in the press conference in being there, but I didn’t pay any attention – instead, I let my manager answer most of the questions, not really listening myself. My mind was still occupied with Kame, and under the table, I had my cell phone in my hand, prepared to jump up the moment Nakamaru would call me for news.

I did not even notice that the journalists seemed to show strikingly little interest about my album release. It should have been obvious and logic to me, of course, but I was still stunned that, when my manager asked for any more questions, all hands went up and the atmosphere tensed up noticeably, so much that even I looked up.

“Akanishi-San!” the first one called. “Do you have any news on Kamenashi-San’s condition?”

My throat tightened at the question. I felt like I was not able to breathe. I should have expected questions like these, but I had been too caught up in my own worries to think about them.

“We are not here to give comments on that matter!” My manager interrupted feebly. “The subject is his new album, not his ex band mates!”

It was a pointless try – the journalists continued to attack me with questions, and I could do nothing but stare at them, still trying to find the strength to answer.

“What did you think, when you got the news about his accident?”

“Have you been in the hospital?”

“Have you talked to the other band members?”

I felt like crumbling on the floor and screaming. It was all too much. Could they not see that it was too much? Could they not just _stop_? Was there no one out there having mercy with me?

It wasn’t until I caught one question that I freaked.

“Do you really care about your ex band members so little that you won’t even bother to answer questions about them when they are seriously hurt?”

I looked up, trying to spot the person who had said that, but it was impossible, with all the screaming people in the room. They all stopped though, when I started shouting.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I yelled, getting up, balling my fists as I looked into the round. “Of course I care! What do you people know if I care about Kame being hurt or not?! Do you know me?! Have you spent half your life with this guy at your side?! NO! You don’t know how it is to suddenly hear such news about him being in the hospital, and no one can tell you how he is! You don’t know anything, but you expect me to act all professional and calm when I’ve been up all night worrying?! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!” I was shaking now, and well aware that everyone in the room was quiet, watching my outbreak probably with the interest of scientists watching a new species, but I didn’t care. How could I care, when tears were welling up my eyes again, blurring my vision, spilling over…

“You don’t know ANYTHING!” I continued, my voice breaking. “Kame will never stop being important to me, and no matter if everyone tells me to stay away from him, it won’t change the fact that I should be there with him now, in the hospital, instead of giving such a stupid press conference here!”

With that, I grabbed my phone, knocking the chair behind me over as I fought my way out of the room, just wanting to get away. People started shouting again, but I ignored them, because there was somewhere I _needed_ to be.

And that was in the hospital. No matter what everyone else would say, but I couldn’t let this charade continue any longer. Letting people believe that I didn’t care, that I wasn’t bothered…

I had spent most of my life doing that mistake, doing nothing and letting things happen. I would not continue doing that. Not in a situation like this, when everything was on the line.

I took a taxi to the hospital, all the ride trying to stop the tears from running down my cheeks, but it was useless – it seemed like, now that the waterfall had broken free, there was no way to stop it, no dam firm enough to hold it back.

All I wanted was to see Kame. To make sure he was alright. To be able to touch him, to see his eyes open…

When we arrived at the hospital, I just threw some bills to the driver, not caring for the change as I jumped out of the car, hurrying through the entrance doors.

I looked around, prepared to search for someone who could tell me where to find Kame, when I froze, spotting two familiar figures across the hall.

It was Ueda and Koki, standing in front of a TV, staring at it, their mouths hanging open, cups of coffee undrunken in their hands. I needed a moment to realize what they were staring at, but when I heard my own voice, I realized it quickly – the TV was bringing news on my outbreak during the press conference. Wow, they were fast, I had to admit that.

It took a moment for me to collect my strength to walk over to them. Their eyes were still glued to the screen, as if they were watching the most shocking revelations, and to them, it probably was like that. I wondered if I had really been as bad for them to find it so fascinating to see me lose my composure.

I stopped when I was only a feet away from them, waiting for them to notice me. I was Ueda who looked up, elbowing Koki so that he, too, tore his eyes from the screen. They both stared at me, shocked as if they were seeing a ghost.

I stared back at them, not quite sure what to do or say, before I closed my eyes and bowed. I could hear Koki gasp, but I did not look up trying to keep my shaking voice steady as I spoke: “I’m sorry for everything that happened. I know my behavior has been unfair, and that I’m probably the last person you want to see here, but please, don’t send me away. Let me stay here. I’m so scared for Kame, and I’m losing my mind! Please, I won’t get into anybody’s way, just _please_ …”

I did not dare to look up, and another tear escaped my closed eyelids. I heard Koki murmur to Ueda: “Who is he and what has he done to the Akanishi Jin _we_ know?!”

“Brought him back?” Ueda murmured absentmindedly, and they were silent for another moment. Then there were footsteps, and I felt Ueda’s hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him, and he mustered my face, before saying: “Okay, stay.”

“Hell, this was the most emotion we’ve seen on you since 2007” Koki murmured. “How can we send you away?”

“Thank you” I whispered, and Ueda grabbed my shoulder tighter, pushing me to stand straight again. “Come on” he murmured, patting my shoulder. “Let’s find the others.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/09/29/multichapter-genki-chapter-1/


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, Chapter 2 is finally up ;) I’m warning you, I’m not becoming any more positive in this one, either :P Okay, maybe a little towards the end ;) (I should write the Angst in the genres in capitals this time :P)

It turned out that the others were sitting in the hallway in which Kame had apparently been given over to the doctors last night. When Ueda and Koki arrived with me on their side, Nakamaru and Taguchi were as well staring at the TV in the hallway, watching a rerun of my press conference. They did not ask any questions when I sat down with them, and I was thankful for that.

Taguchi filled me in on what they knew. Or better, on what they didn’t know, which seemed much more than what they did know. Apparently, every time a doctor or a nurse had passed by, they had refused to give them any information on Kame’s condition, as they were no family members. When Kame’s parents, his younger and an older brother of him had finally arrived, they had been led off into another office immediately, and they had not seen them ever since. All they could do now was wait.

And so I joined in, waiting with them. Not that waiting in the hospital was any less straining than waiting at home, but at least, I felt somewhat more close to Kame. Closer than I had been in about a year.

I was not sure how much time passed. For all I knew, it could have been years, when it probably wasn’t more than an hour. But at some point, Kame’s brothers Yuichirou and Yuuya came walking down the corridor to us. I recognized them immediately, even though I hadn’t seen them for an eternity – the last time I had seen Yuuya, he had still been a teenager. Now, he was off age, and he seemed more tired than I had ever seen him, just as Yuichirou.

Koki was the first one to speak.

“How is he?” he asked, and everyone else, including me, got up as well, waiting for the answer in tensed silence.

Their eyes shifted over each of us for a moment, lingering a little longer on me, and I saw Yuuya frown. But Yuichirou began to speak, keeping him from making a comment.

“He seems to be out of the woods” he said slowly, carefully. “Our parents are with him right now. The doctors told us he suffered from a shoulder separation, a hip joint contusion, and a severe concussion. He is still unconscious, and the doctors said it could also take a while longer before he wakes up.”

“So he will be completely healed again?!” Taguchi asked anxiously.

“It seems like that, but the doctors said we can’t be definite about any inner damages at the moment. Above all when it comes to his head.” Yuichirou explained, gulping as he did so, but keeping his composure.

“Can we see him?” I whispered, before I could help myself.

Yuuya’s eyes tightened and he glared at me, but Yuichirou seemed unfazed by my question.

“I talked to the doctors and told them to let all of you in. But only 2 at a time. He is still under intensive care, after all.”

“That means, if you manage to shove our parents out of the room” Yuuya commented drily.

“Yes, they are slightly… clingy” Yuichirou nodded.

“Clingy?” Yuuya scoffed. “Try hysteric.”

“Can you blame them?” he murmured, and Yuuya fell silent again. “So, fact is, we need to get to Kouji’s house now, we promised we would inform him as soon as we know something” Yuichirou continued, referring to Kame’s third brother. “If you somehow managed to talk our parents into going home to rest, we would be very thankful to you. They will need it.”

“It’s okay” Nakamaru promised. “We will do what we can. We will also stay here and call you when something happens. Don’t worry.”

“You don’t need to do that” he sighed. “You’ve been here all night as well. Get some sleep.”

“It’s okay” Ueda shrugged. “We are used to working on as good as no sleep. Part of the job, you know.”

“If you say so…” he murmured, patting Yuuya’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s go. Kouji is waiting.”

Yuuya threw another glare at me before following his brother. It went right through me, like a knife. Yuuya had Kame’s eyes. It was like having a younger version of Kame staring back at me.

Afterwards, everything went by me like a blur. Maybe the lack of sleep was getting to me too. Maybe the relief that Kame would be alright was clouding my mind.

Though, I didn’t feel like the knowledge had gotten to me at all, to be honest. I still felt anxious, as if I would lose my mind if I didn’t get to see him soon.

It seemed like Ueda and Nakamaru were the sanest out of us, because they were the ones talking to the doctors, and comforting Kame’s parents. Somewhere in my mind, I was aware that I should probably help, too. I had been over to Kame’s house permanently when we had been younger, and his parents had always treated me as if I was part of the family.

But I felt embarrassed, and guilty. Yuuya’s look kept on repeating itself in front of my inner eye. Better keep away from them. I was probably not welcome.

Koki and Taguchi were the first ones to get into Kame’s room. I just stood awkwardly in front of it, trying to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen, but I guess there was no preparation. Or if there is any, please tell me, so I can do better in the future.

After a few minutes, the door opened again, and Taguchi stepped out, holding the door open for me. I took a deep breath, trying to make myself move, but it seemed hard. I had never been good at hospitals and this kind of stuff, and the fact that this was Kame in there seemed to make all of it even harder. For a moment, I had an unbidden flashback of the movie “Yuuki”, but I forced it away again. No good moment to think about a dying Kame.

Finally, I took a few hesitant steps, until I could look inside.

I had tried to prepare myself, but it had been no use. Seeing Kame lie there, in the hospital bed, his head covered by what seemed to me miles of bandages, his eyes closed, tubes all around him, unmoving, still…

I did not hear Taguchi close the door behind me. Also, I did not notice Koki standing across the room, on the other side of the bed, staring at me. All I saw was Kame and all I heard was the blood rushing in my ear as my legs transported me toward the bed automatically. My hand was shaking as I reached out to take the hand that was not patched up because of the fractures in his shoulder. He did not react as I squeezed his hand, feeling a little of his warmth, trying to ensure myself that he was there, and that he would be okay, but it was all too much.

The tears were already running down my cheeks again, and my vision of Kame’s pale face was blurred, and I grabbed his hand a little tighter.

I did not hear Koki saying my name, trying to get my attention. Also, I did not take note of him leaving the room, trying to alert the others that I was obviously losing it and that someone should help him.

I was not aware of anything but Kame until I felt Nakamaru’s arm around my shoulder.

“Jin” he whispered, quietly, trying to get through to me. “Jin, he will be alright. It’s okay.”

“It’s not” I murmured incoherently, still clinging to Kame’s hand. “Nothing is okay! It’s-“ I cut myself off with a sob, not sure what I was going to say myself.

Nakamaru reached out his free hand tentatively, tugging to get mine from Kame’s.

“Let go of him, Jin” he murmured soothingy.

“No!” I protested stupidly, holding on even tighter.

“Jin, you are hurting him” he whispered, tugging a little harder. “Let go.”

I finally gave in, watching with guilt how the imprints of my fingers stayed on his skin.

“Come on, Jin” he murmured, leading me out of the room. I let him, but I didn’t stop crying. Couldn’t stop.

He led me outside, onto a bank near a little path, making me sit down on it, not speaking until I had calmed down a little. The sun was shining onto my face, and it was ironic, in contrast to the storm that was raging inside of me.

I was not sure how long it took until my breathing returned to normal again, and the tear stains on my face slowly began to dry. Ueda joined us then as well, giving both of us a cup of steaming coffee, sitting down on my other side. I did not drink it. I felt sick.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked quietly. I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to. Ueda waited a moment before continuing: “You surprise me. I wouldn’t have expected you to turn up here, and above all not to break down like this. We were all under the impression that you did not care for us anymore…”

“I told you guys he is not as cold as you pictured him” Nakamaru murmured, throwing him a look. “You just never wanted to listen.”

“Well, he never gave us much to judge on” he shrugged, catching my eyes. “You left without telling us, making us hear it out of the news… What were we supposed to think?”

“I did not want to hurt you guys” I murmured, barely getting the words out because my voice was hoarse from all the crying. I cleared my throat before continuing. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Let me guess – that’s got to do with Kame” he murmured, and I just licked my dry lips, silently agreeing. “I never really got what happened between the two of you, to be sincere.”

“Me neither” I answered miserably. “I think I’m to blame, though. Kame told me how much I had changed in America, and that I was insufferable to be around, and…” I couldn’t go on, my throat tightening up again.

“Well, you had changed” Ueda shrugged. “He was right with that. You seemed very self-centered after you returned, thinking everything revolved around you… But it was only a phase, to be sincere. After Kame and you stopped talking, you became very quiet. I had always thought it would only be a matter of time until one of you cracked.”

“But I think Kame didn’t want to see it” Nakamaru added, a little thoughtful. “I was under the impression that he had so run himself into being mad at you that he would have said you were a selfish ass even if you were nominated for the nobel award!”

“I think the problem was that you were too close before you went” Ueda nodded. “Those months while you were in the US, each one of us could tell how much Kame was missing you, wishing you would return… That’s why I think it was such a huge shock to him that you had changed so much when you finally did.”

“Stop it” I murmured feebly, closing my eyes. It was all too much, talking about this, now, after all what happened, and…

“No, we have to finally talk about this, Jin!” Nakamaru said firmly. “It’s been kept in way too long.”

“Do you even know how Kame took it when you left the band for good?” Ueda asked quietly, looking at me. I silently shook my head, wondering if I wanted to know. Both ways would be terrible to take, knowing that he was devastated, or knowing that he didn’t care. “To say he took it badly is an understatement.” He murmured drily.

“He refused to talk about you” Nakamaru explained, seeming pained. “He announced that you were as egoistic as ever, never caring about us, and that we shouldn’t care about you anymore, either. That you were not worth it. From then on, he never once mentioned your name around us, and when we ever slip, his face will become sour and he will not talk until we change the subject.”

I took a shaky breath as I let his words sink in. I didn’t know what I had expected, but it sounded a lot like Kame. And it hurt, but that was a given.

“The problem is, that I’m not quite sure about how he’ll react when he wakes up now and sees you here” Ueda said finally, staring me down. “I mean, no matter how his condition will be when he wakes up, I don’t think it’ll be good for him to see you. It will make him angry, and to be honest, I want to avoid that.”

“So you want me to go?” I asked, looking at him in shock. Because they couldn’t do that to me, could they?

“I think he is right, Jin” Nakamaru nodded, squeezing my shoulder, as if that would help. “I swear, I will arrange something when he is feeling better. When everyone has settled down again, we can have you two sit down and talk, and you can sort things out – but not now.”

“You can’t make me leave” I protested, my voice breaking slightly. “You just can’t! Please…”

“Jin, we don’t do this as a punishment for you!” Nakamaru reminded me. “We do that for Kame, okay? I know this is hard for you, but think of Kame and his condition! You want him to get better fast too, right?”

His words hit me hard, and I looked down, gulping. Was this really the only way I could help Kame? In staying away from him? It was not fair. Why did things have to be this cruel?

“Alright” I finally whispered after a while, making Ueda and Nakamaru look at me. “I understand, and I will stay away from him. But please,” I murmured, looking up first at Nakamaru, then at Ueda. “can you let me see him once more before I leave? I swear, I only need a minute. I just – please…”

Ueda held my gaze, taking a deep breath, before nodding.

“Okay, I get it” he said. “Let’s go, then.”

Ueda and Nakamaru stood, and waited patiently until I could make myself move, as well. My knees were still shaky, and my head hurt, probably from the lack of sleep and all the crying, but I still managed to follow them down the corridors of the hospital, back to Kame’s room, where they stood aside, looking at me.

“We will let you go alone” Ueda said. “I think it’s better like that. Just come out when you’re ready.”

I nodded a thanks before my shaky fingers grabbed the door knob. I walked inside, my eyes immediately focusing on Kame as the door fell closed behind me.

Kame had still not moved, or been moved – he lay as lifeless as ever, making everything inside of me twist, so much that I wanted to throw up. I would have given everything in this moment, to make him open his eyes and smile at me, like he had done when we had still been friends.

I walked across the room, taking his hand in mine again, this time a little more careful. I stared at his closed eyes, taking a shaky breath, closing my eyes as well.

“Kame…” I whispered, barely audible.

Why did it have to come this far? Why did I have to stay away from one of the person’s I had always cared for most, and that to protect him, in the end? Where had the days gone when he would have wished for me to be around, no matter what had happened to him?

I had never wished as much as now, that I could just turn back time and make everything right again. Return to the time where we had still been best friends. I would not let him go this time. I would hold onto him, tell him how important he is to me, tell him…

My thoughts were interrupted when one of Kame’s fingers suddenly twitched in my hands. I opened my eyes, blinking, staring at the hand, but it did not move again. My eyes focused on his face then, and I held my breath as I watched his eyelids flutter, before he opened them.

He blinked, before he turned his head slightly, his gaze meeting mine.

“Jin” he whispered slightly, squeezing my hand, stretching. I still stared, unable to move, unable to even breathe. “What happened?” he asked finally.

I only stared, the hand that was joint with his shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/10/05/multichapter-genki-chapter-2/


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed that I didn’t post this until now, and thought I’d do that before I sit down and try to write some more ^^’ First time in a while since I find the time to write, let’s just hope I will find the concentration ^^’ Well, for now, enjoy that one! ;)

When I still didn’t answer, Kame raised an eyebrow at me, repeating his question.

“Jin? What happened?” he asked, his voice gentle, but slightly rough, probably because of the lack of use in the last few hours that he had been unconscious. “Why am I in the hospital?”

“I… You…” I stuttered, trying to get a grip of myself, but it didn’t work very well. “You fell. During a concert. Off stage. And hit your head.”

“Oh, really?” he murmured, making a face. “Sorry, you had to probably call the concert off because of me, right? Sorry to make such a mess…”

I blinked, not quite getting why he was apologizing to me. After all, I was not part of the band anymore. I wondered if I should get Ueda and Nakamaru, but Kame was holding onto my hand.

Why was he holding onto my hand, by the way? I thought he hated me?

Kame was mustering me, though, continuing his monologue, unaware of my inner battle.

“You seem tired” he murmured, frowning. “I guess I kept you up all night, right? I’m sorry.” He squeezed my hand again. “I know how you always worry too much for me. You are way too protective, you know that?”

I only stared, not quite sure what to respond. What was he talking about? Why was he talking as if…

… as if I was still his best friend?

In the moment this realization hit me, the door opened, and Ueda peeked inside, saying quietly: “Jin, I think you should-“ But he cut himself off when he saw Kame’s eyes open, staring. “Kame?”

“Hey” Kame said, smiling slightly, and Nakamaru looked inside as well, shocked.

“You are awake!” he murmured, in the same moment Ueda turned around, probably to alert the other two of the fact.

“Yes. I’m sorry for scaring you” he murmured, trying to sit up, but my free hand automatically flew to his healthy shoulder, holding him down.

Taguchi and Koki turned up then, storming into the room, standing next to the bed. Ueda was probably still out there, searching for a doctor.

“How are you feeling, Kame?” Taguchi asked, and as Kame turned his head to look at them, I felt Nakamaru’s hand on my shoulder.

“Come on” he whispered. “Let’s get you out of here, before he realizes…” He grabbed my arm, trying to inconspicuously redraw my hand from Kame’s, but he noticed immediately. He looked up at us in the middle of his sentence, frowning at Nakamaru.

“What are you doing?” he asked, confused.

Nakamaru blinked, stuttering.

“Um… I just thought… It would be better if Jin left…”

“Why?” he asked, looking at him as if he had gone insane.

Everyone went quiet immediately, and we stared at him, wondering if he was serious. It had begun to dawn on me before that something was not quite right, but I still hadn’t understood what exactly was happening.

“Do you… do you really _want_ him around, Kame?”  Koki asked carefully.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Kame demanded, chuckling slightly, shaking his head at him. “He’s my best friend, after all!”

My heart fell somewhere into the area of my stomach at those words. As much as I had wanted to hear those words again, I couldn’t grasp onto them now.

“But… but…” Taguchi murmured, looking back and forth between Kame and me. “You two haven’t talked for more than a year! You refused to even mention his name, you were that mad! What happened?!”

I looked at Kame, but he only stared at Taguchi, both eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, sure, Junno” he murmured, frowning slightly. “I never thought your jokes were funny, really, but…”

“We’re serious, Kame!” Koki interrupted him, observing his face. Kame blinked, his face falling in shock.

“What?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“Jin left the band a year ago. You haven’t talked to him ever since.” Koki explained quietly, all the time keeping Kame’s gaze, but Kame was already shaking his head. He was still holding my hand, squeezing it painfully now, seeming slightly panicky.

“What are you talking about?!” he demanded, his voice slightly higher than usual. “We just debuted! Jin wouldn’t leave like that! Besides, it would never happen that Jin and I are not talking! We never manage to be mad at each other for more than 10 minutes! Right, Jin?!” he turned to me, searching my eyes, but I stayed quiet. “Say something!” he demanded, but I couldn’t.

“Kame?” Nakamaru asked, his voice no more than a whisper. “Which year do you think it is?”

“2006, of course!” he answered, not looking at him, his eyes still fixed on me. “Jin! What is going on here?!”

I was saved from having to answer when Ueda returned, bringing a doctor, who immediately threw all of us out of the room, complaining that there were way too many people in here and that it was against the rules.

Kame only unwillingly let go of my hand, and the dejected look in his eyes as he finally let go tore old wounds inside of me open.

As we waited outside, none of us spoke. Ueda asked us tons of questions, how he was, what had happened, but none of us answered, and it was making him anxious and mad.

I could not bring myself to explain anything, though. I was still trying to understand.

What year had Kame said that he thought it was? 2006? That meant… that meant he really thought we were still best friends. That I was still part of the band. That I had not even left once for America yet…

What did all of this mean?

It wasn’t until the doctor stepped out again that we got our answer.

“Your friend suffers from a temporary amnesia” he said finally, after he had closed the door behind him. “He has lost all of his memories since 2006, and until a moment ago thought that this was the year we were in.”

“How is that possible?” Ueda asked in shock.

“It can happen, after severe head injuries” the doctor explained. “It’s nothing unusual, even. Some forget only a few days, or weeks. Others years. Some everything.”

“But… he will recover his memory, right?” Koki asked.

“Most people do, yes” he nodded. “But in some cases… Let’s say only time will bring us the answer to that question.”

“And… and what are we supposed to do now?” Nakamaru asked, seeming scared. “How can we help him?”

“In the long run, you have to help him to remember” the doctor said into the round. “He needs his friends and family now more than anything, to regain his identity. But for now, he is still under shock.”

“Meaning?” Ueda demanded.

“He…” he hesitated for a moment before locking eyes with me. “He wants to see only you, and no one else.” He said finally, nodding to me.

I felt how all eyes in the round focused on me, and I gulped.

“Me?” I asked, my voice higher than usual.

“You seemed to be his best friend back then, right?” the doctor said. “I think it’s natural he wants to see you.”

There was a silence, as loud as a swarm of angry bees, and I didn’t dare to move. I was totally overstrained with the situation. How could I be the one to explain to Kame what had happened?! I was the wrong one for this! I-

“Go, Jin!” Nakamaru finally said, nodding at me. “Go.”

I bit my lip, taking a deep breath before nodding. I felt very small, like a five year old, and I just wanted to wake up and have my mother tell me that it all had been a dream. But it was real. Though it didn’t feel like it.

Koki pushed me towards the door, a little more forceful than would have been required. My hand was shaking when I opened the door. I wondered when I would break down from all the emotional strain on me in the last 24 hours.

I peeked inside carefully, and saw Kame sitting on his bed staring at me as I came in. He was cradling his hurt arm above his chest, and I could see the bandages on his hip where his T-Shirt ran up a little. He looked more fragile than ever, and I tried to suppress the urge to hug him close.

Worst was the look in his eyes, though. There were so many emotions in those dark familiar orbs that it hurt to look at them – fear, confusion, pleads…

“Is it true?” he asked quietly, his voice unsteady.

I only nodded, not quite sure what I was confirming. The door fell closed behind me, and I leaned against it, not daring to approach Kame.

“Why?” he asked, looking at me without understanding. “We’ve always been so close! You are my best friend, Jin! What made you leave? Why are we not talking?”

I was not sure how to answer. How could I ever explain it to him if I didn’t know the answer myself?!

“You know… I…” I stuttered. “It’s complicated… I was gone, and then I came back, and… You said it wasn’t possible, and…” I choked on air, not being able to continue.

Kame watched me, as if all the answered were written on my face, which they most probably weren’t, as confused as I was… But after a few of my pathetic intents of explanation, he interrupted me, saying: “You know, actually, I don’t think I want to hear it.”

I fell silent, looking at him as he continued.

“I was just told that I forgot 5 years of my life” he explained, his eyes all the time locked to mine. “I’m scared as hell, and I want my best friend with me now. I don’t care what happened. Just stay with me, okay?”

I stared at him, drawn in by the pleading in his eyes, the desperation, feeling the emotions it stirred inside of me…

“Okay” I answered, almost automatically. Because I couldn’t answer differently. I didn’t have it in me to ever refuse Kame when he needed me. “I’ll stay as long as you want me around.”

“Thank you” Kame nodded, smiling slightly, and I felt like I didn’t deserve his smile, for some reason.

I had had a whole night to think about it. I had had talks with everyone – the rest of the band, Kame’s parents, the doctors… Everyone had had the same answer, but it still didn’t feel right.

I couldn’t shake of the feeling that, with pretending as if we were still friends, I was betraying some part of Kame. The one that couldn’t express his opinion now, because his mind kept blocking him – the future Kame who was mad at me and didn’t want me by my side.

Was it really right, to ignore what I know Kame would say if he really remembered me, and just be with him?

Some people had shared this fear of mine. Like Koki and Yuuya. Above all Yuuya, who had thrown nasty comments at me about me just having thrown his older brother out of my life when I felt like it, and returning now, using his amnesia to get close to him again.

It was not like I was using him, of course. Only that he was kind of right. I mean, I had wished to be able to turn back time, to be able to be his friend again, to make everything alright again. Now, it had happened, and it scared me. It felt wrong, because Kame did not remember why he had hated me in the first place.

On the other hand, he had asked me to stay. Only that he was not his current him. He was a past him, the one that had been my best friend for years – the guy I still loved to death.

It was like there were existing two kind of Kames – one that still lived in 2006, and he was kind and still a little more carefree and he made me weak. I could not refuse him.

And then, there was the 2011 Kame, who hated me, refused to even mention my name – who, admittedly, scared me a little because he seemed so foreign to me.

I knew that the 2011 Kame was still in there somewhere, blocked, but waiting to wake up and regain control again. And I was afraid of his appearance, and his reaction.

But did that justify for me to refuse the 2006 Kame? To disappoint him, and rob him of his best friend when he needed me the most?

Everyone had told me to stay as long as Kame asked for me to stay. That it was not a matter of our judgment, but a matter of Kame’s, and that it was his decision to make. And I kind of agreed with that.

But it still didn’t make my doubts and fears disappear as I stood in front of the door to Kame’s hospital room, staring at it, not daring to knock.

Yes, maybe I was a coward. I openly admitted that. I had never been the bravest, and I had always liked to run when things got complicated. And this was most definitely the most complicated situation I had ever been in.

I did not have it in me to disappoint Kame _again_. Only the thought about it made me want to crumble on the floor and cry. I could just not do it.

But on the other hand, was what I was doing now not lying?

I was still staring at the white painted door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I started, whirling around, freezing when I saw Kame behind me.

“Hi” he said, and I could see him biting his lip to hide an amused smile. “What are you doing, staring at my door?”

“Wh-what are you doing out here?” I stuttered, avoiding to answer his question. “I thought you needed to stay in bed!”

“Actually, I think I’m supposed to” he answered, making a face. “But I was craving some coffee, so I sneaked some from the cafeteria. It’s weird, it’s like my body is screaming for coffee all the time ever since I woke up…” he murmured, walking past me to open the door. I noticed that he was hobbling a little, probably because of his hurt hip.

“The future you is drinking a lot of coffee” I murmured absentmindedly, watching his movements. “Your body is probably used to it.”

“I guess I’m addicted” he sighed. “I need to have a talk with the future me if I ever meet him…” He hobbled further into the room, looking over his shoulder when I hesitated to follow. “You’re not coming?” he asked, frowning.

“Sure” I murmured in embarrassment, following him.

“Sit down” Kame advised, pointing to a chair next to his bed, while letting himself fall to his bed again with a sigh. I did as he said, looking around in the room, somehow finding it hard to meet his gaze. The nervousness was eating on me.

“Your parents were here?” I asked quietly, my eyes falling on a few things no one but his worried mother could have left him.

“Yeah” he sighed. “Only Mum, though, Dad is working again. And I’m glad about that, Mum is clingy enough for the two of them. I could hardly get her to leave.”

“She is worried” I murmured. “You can’t blame her.”

“I guess” he shrugged, only moving his healthy shoulder, but still flinching slightly before continuing: “It’s kind of unnerving, though.”

“I guess. You’ve always been difficult about letting people take care of you. Must have to do with your brothers…” I murmured, before shutting myself up. What was I saying?! It was hard not to fall back into old patterns when I was with Kame. Talking like we used to was easy and came naturally to me. But was it really the right thing to do?

Kame inclined his head, as if silently agreeing to my statement, and we fell back into silence. I nervously kneaded my fingers, not knowing what to say, and I felt Kame’s eyes on my hands. He could probably tell how hard I was making this on me. He knew me inside out.

What he blurted out, though, was: “You’re still wearing the ring!”

I blinked, stuttering: “Wh-what?!”

“The ring we bought together in Okinawa” he said, nodding to my hand. “You are still wearing it.”

I looked down at my hand, nodding silently. I had never stopped wearing it. It did still have too much significance for me to throw it away.

“You can say what you want to” Kame murmured, grinning teasingly, and I could see his eyes shining a little, in a way I had not seen in an eternity, and it did weird things to my stomach. “But even when we apparently didn’t talk, you never forgot about me!”

“How could I ever forget my worst, ever nagging nightmare?” I shot back automatically, as if in an old habit.

“Says the one who always clung to me during Gokusen because he didn’t dare to talk to anyone else!” he chuckled, raising his eyebrows.

“Says the guy who hid behind my back during our first Shounen Club appearance and was hit on the back of his head because he didn’t dare to talk!” I returned, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Says the one who kept on saying that he wanted to go home one week later in our tent in Okinawa!” Kame continued, and I mock glared at him.

“Well, you kept on talking and didn’t let me sleep!” I defended myself, sounding childish even in my own ears.

“Oh, you did sleep” he rolled his eyes. “You rolled onto me in your dreams.”

“Shut up!” I laughed, remembering the time. “You act as if I crushed you!”

“You did. You were heavy.”

“Did you just call me fat, skeleton?!” I demanded, and Kame burst out laughing, making me chuckle with him.

It was in that moment that there was a knock, and Koki and Ueda came in, staring at us incredulously as we still tried to control our laughter, still grinning slightly.

“Am I dreaming?” Koki murmured at Ueda, elbowing him. “Maybe we _are_ in 2006?”

“You know” he shrugged, seeming pleased. “Even if we were, I wouldn’t complain…” And with that, he sat down next to Kame on his bed, asking him how he was doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/10/14/genki/


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here you finally have the next chapter, after I started writing it, rewrote that part, wrote it till the end, rewrote it again, accidentally deleted the rewritten version from my laptop and rewrote it another time -_-* So yeah, here you have your answer to why it took so long. Anyways, here you go!

After that, I decided not to worry too much if it was right to stay by Kame’s side or not. It felt easy and right, to fall back into the way we used to be, so I went with the flow.

Or better, I cleared my way of all obstacles to be able to go with the flow. For example skipping work for a whole week to be able to sit at Kame’s hospital bed, keeping him company. Not that he knew. We avoided talking about what I was doing since I had left the band, and I was not going to bring the topic up myself.

Kame, despite having forgotten a lot of things, seemed more cheerful than I had seen him in a while. Even the rest of the band and his family noticed that, now and then making teasing comments, but no one complained, of course. It seemed that, even Koki had started to warm up towards me again, under the circumstances of the situation, and I couldn’t be more glad about that.

The only one still giving me trouble was Yuuya. Not in front of his older brother, but when he was not around. I tried to not mind it too much, but it still stayed in the back of my mind, like a lurking warning.

Kame had always been very close to his younger brother, and Yuuya, as a little kid, had always clung to him. When something had happened, he had run to Kame, and Kame had played the older brother part and made it right again. It felt like now, Yuuya wanted to reverse the situation, protecting Kame instead. But no one let him, and it bothered him.

Besides that, Yuuya was very similar to Kame’s older self. Stubborn, serious… It was like he always kept reminding me of what would happen when Kame regained his memory.

Though, honestly, I did try not to think too much about it. I could still deal with the consequences when I actually had to face them. For now, all that mattered was Kame and his well-being. And that was something even Yuuya had to admit, if only grudgingly.

We all made an effort to introduce Kame to the contents of the years he had forgotten, but it seemed like he made no big progress in remembering any of it.

The guys of the band had given him an Ipod with every KAT-TUN song ever recorded on it, hoping he would remember some when he listened to them.

“There is nothing” he had murmured embarrassedly, though, when we were all in his hospital room, asking him about it. “It’s weird, hearing your own voice singing songs you never even heard before.”

“Don’t push yourself too much” I murmured, patting him low on his back, because I didn’t want to put any pressure on his hurt shoulder. “You are going to remember them, at some point.”

“If not, we are going to help you learn them anew by scratch” Koki shrugged, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. “You’ve always been a hard worker, you will make it.”

“Were there any songs that you liked, at least?” Taguchi joked. “Not that you are planning to leave the band now because you are shocked of our music!”

“As if” Kame rolled his eyes. “There’s been a particular song which I listened to earlier, though, and it seems kind of different from the rest… It surprised me.”

“Which one?” Nakamaru asked, curious.

“What was it called again?” Kame murmured, pursing his lips as he tried to remember, before continuing: “D-Motion, I think _…”_

I bit my lip hard, but I couldn’t quite keep myself from grinning.

“Gosh, Akanishi, stop monopolizing him already” Koki chuckled, rolling his eyes.

“What?!” I burst out, laughing. “I did not even do anything!”

“What are you talking about?” Kame looked into the round questioningly.

“It’s a songs Jin wrote for the band” Nakamaru explained, and Kame chuckled at the irony.

“Gosh, and I’ve been wondering why I couldn’t get it out of my head. I should have known. Jin has always been nagging and stubborn.”

“Hey!” I called, glaring at him. “Be careful there! It was a big hit!”

“And that’s a miracle, with a lazy ass like him” Kame murmured to the others, and I grabbed a pillow, striking out with it threateningly. “No hitting patients, remember!” he grinned mockingly, and the others laughed at the look I gave him.

“You wait till you get out of here” I murmured darkly, lowering the pillow again.

“I know, I’m gonna be terribly tortured” Kame nodded, shrugging. “I’m already shaking in fear.”

“You should!” I advised, but the effect wasn’t right, because I couldn’t keep the grin off my face.

It didn’t take too long until Kame was released, though. The bruises on his hips had healed in a matter of days, and his shoulder would still take a while longer, but that was no reason to keep him hospitalized, so they let him go after a little more than a week.

We were all there that day to take him home. We had been discussing, always hoping to find a way to make him remember his past, and we had wondered if maybe, being back in his flat would do the trick.

Kame, in comparison to our curious tension, seemed happy to be returning home. It was one of the things about his life that he _could_ remember, he said, and he felt like regaining a bit of normality with it.

I figured that he was right, when we arrived at his front door, and Kame unlocked it for us to slip inside. Kame had always been a creature of habit, and it showed in the way I recognized the surroundings of his flat even after so many years which I hadn’t been in it. He had never really changed anything, and apart from a few new objects added here and there over the years, such as photos, DVDs or books, it looked quite the same as I remembered.

It made me happy, for some reason. It felt like, no matter how foreign Kame had become to me in the last 5 years, part of him had still remained the same, and I could still relate to it.

Our hopes of him remembering anything were fruitless, though. As content as Kame seemed to be back in familiar surroundings, instead of showing any signs of sudden flashbacks or something similar, he just mustered the unknown objects in his flat curiously, asking us about them, as if we would know what he had bought over the years.

Well, to be fair – if Kame and I had stayed as close as he remembered us to, I would probably have been able to explain the origin of each and every object in this apartment. It had been something like my second home, for quite some time. I felt like I had spent more time here than in my own place, in the earlier years of our career.

The other guys bid their goodbye after ensuring that Kame had not remembered a thing, telling Kame some lie about each of them having individual responsibilities to go after. I kept quiet. I knew that, in reality, they had a meeting with Johnny and their management, discussing about how to handle the situation if Kame continued to not remember.

The whole issue had been kept from the press until now. The agency had released information about his physical condition, to calm the fans that, though Kame would be unable to perform for a while because of his shoulder, he would be alright. They had held back the information about his amnesia, though, hoping that he would regain his memory before they needed to take serious actions.

There was no denying that they needed to be prepared for the worst case scenario, though – consequently, today’s meeting. They had talked to me about it, asking for my opinion if it would be better to tell Kame about it or not. It was a hard decision to make – after all, Kame was the leader of the band, and if the situation was different, he would freak about things happening behind his back. I had agreed with the others, though, to not tell him about it for now.

Kame was having enough on his mind as it was. He had a tendency to blame himself for the trouble he was giving others, and he would be putting unnecessary pressure on himself to remember, which I felt would make it even more difficult for him.

The doctor had told us that, most of the time, there was a reason as to why the mind was blocking memories of a certain amount of time. For example on shock patients, like witnesses of a murder case – some would forget about all the memories concerning the murder, as if to protect themselves from it. Not that Kame had witnessed anything like this, but maybe, the doctor had concluded, there had been some memories in the past few years that he had wanted to forget, so he did. If that was the case, he would probably not remember anything until he felt safe or steady enough to do so.

For me, it seemed like the most logical solution. After all, lots had happened in the past few years – he had lost me as a best friend, his band had become one member shorter, he had been constantly overworking himself to keep the band at top level… It had definitely not been the happiest time of his life, if one asked me.

But maybe I was also making myself too important in his life. Maybe it was something I wanted to believe – that the whole fight with me had bothered him as much as it had me, and that he wanted to forget about it. Because that meant that maybe, if he regained his memories at some point, I would have a chance on making up with him. That though he hated me, he still cared. If he didn’t, it would mean game over for me, and this time for once and for all. So I wished, literally, that it was the reason why he didn’t remember – that he was not indifferent towards me.

No matter if my conclusions were right or not, I felt that it was better to keep possible stress or reasons for guilty feelings from him. He would probably not remember anything he did not feel relaxed and comfortable about.

Kame did also not suspect a thing when the others left, happy enough when I promised to stay with him.

“You don’t need to work once in a while?” he asked teasingly, letting himself fall on the couch, patting the place next to him for me to follow. “I remember you being lazy, but this is even extreme for you, not having worked once in almost two weeks.”

“I am on holiday” I shrugged, straight-out lying. I had not picked up my managers calls in a while now, until I had received an email from him, apologizing that maybe, he had pushed me too much when it came to that press conference, and that he would give me some more time by myself. I tried not to feel guilty about it. There were things more important than work, and Kame surely was one of them.

“Well, that’s good then” Kame smiled. “But please promise me you won’t skip on work because of me. You don’t need to do that.”

I did not meet his eyes, knowing how bad at lying I was. I think Kame noticed, but maybe, he did not feel like scolding me today, and I was thankful about it. Instead, he skipped through a few DVDs that were stuffed under his couch table, mustering them with a frown.

“There is a movie called _The Men Who Stare At Goats_?!” he asked incredulous after a while, raising his eyebrows at me as he waved with the DVD.

I couldn’t help but burst out into laughing at his face.

“Yup” I chuckled. “You missed some epic movies in Hollywood’s history.”

“I wonder if I even want to keep up with that?” he mused, stuffing the DVD back to the other, and I smiled, suggesting: “We could get together and watch some movies you have missed since 2006, if you want to. I bet there are some.”

“That sounds good” he smiled. “But not tonight, I’m afraid. Mum wants me to come over, to have dinner with the family and such. Which means…” he murmured, checking the clock. “I’ll need to get going soon, if I want to arrive in Chiba in time. I have a train to catch.”

“Why don’t you drive?” I frowned.

Kame blinked, looking at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

“I have a driving license?!” he blurted out, astonished.

I smirked, having forgotten how late Kame had gotten around to pass the driving exam. To his defense, he had been a busy teenager.

“Yes, Kame” I answered, teasing him. “You are 25. You do have a driving license. And a car, in case that’s what you’re going to ask next.”

Kame bit his lip to keep from laughing.

“But I don’t know how to drive!” he complained.

“That is a problem” I agreed. “Want me to give you a lift?”

“That does sound familiar” he chuckled, referring to all the times I had driven us around in the past, when we had still been inseparable. Sometimes, we would just go for a drive together, without any real destination, just wanting to get away from all the people and talk.

I really missed those days.

“But I guess I’ll take you up on that” he finally nodded, smiling at me.

We spent some more time in his flat after that, searching through the new unknown objects in it, and having a laugh about them as we tried to explain their origins, our imaginary stories becoming more vivid from object to object, some containing space ships and talking panda bears.

I wondered when I had last felt so at ease to be able to get this silly. Kame had always been the more serious out of the two of us, but when we were together, he began to open up, allowing himself to be crazy with me, and this side of Kame had always been one that I adored.

This Kame was easy to be around, and he gave me the feeling that I could do no wrong around him.

Still, as happy and giddy as I felt like this – watching the way he smiled happily, the way his eyes shone innocently… It gave my heart I painful squeeze.

I wanted it to stay like this. I wanted Kame back in my life, like this, for him to be my best friend again, to be able to be silly with him, to be able to just _be_ with him. To be able to call him when I felt like it, and not staring at my phone at night, wondering if he would hang up at me if I pressed the call button.

It was like a tiny part of me wished that Kame would not remember a thing. That we could stay like this, and that I just got another chance to make it right again.

I felt guilty for thinking this. Of course I did not want to rob Kame of his precious memories… It was just that… part of me did. The cowardly, evil part of me that I couldn’t stand myself. The one that was to blame for my fight with Kame in the beginning.

I did not voice my thoughts in front of Kame, though. Instead, I kept my promise to drive him to his parents’ house when the time came, feeling eager to draw out any minute I had with him as long as I could. I even felt tempted to make a detour, but I was afraid Kame would notice, so I didn’t.

When we finally arrived at the Kamenashi’s house, I felt nostalgic. I had spent a lot of time here, when we had still been kids. I had always been welcome. I wondered if I was still so welcome, no matter what everyone had said since Kame had woken up in the hospital.

“You want to come in?” Kame offered, as if reading into my glances towards the house, but I shook my head.

“You enjoy your time with your family.” I murmured.

“You are as good as part of the family” he frowned. “You know that, right?”

I wanted to correct him, but I kept quiet. _Had been._ I _had been_ a part of the family, at some point, maybe. Just as Kame had been part of my family at some point. Hell, my mother still doted of him and Pi as if they were her own sons. But those times were over. I knew it, but Kame didn’t want to see it, no matter how many times he was told.

“How about we meet up tomorrow?” I suggested instead, trying to change to subject swiftly. “I could bring some movies you need to watch.”

“Deal. I’ll make dinner” Kame nodded, grinning as my eyes lightened up at the thought. “Still as hopeless as ever in the kitchen, I guess?” he chuckled.

“Never claimed to be anything else” I grinned.

“Then I advise you to stay away from my kitchen, or I might have to kill you” he laughed.

“Alright, deal” I agreed happily. “Dinner tomorrow night at your place. I’ll be there at 6, and bring the ingredients.”

“Which means 7” he mused, grinning at me. I glared at him, but instead of answering I only pursed my lips. Damn, I hated how he knew me so well, sometimes, even if it came to my tardiness and my other bad sides.

“Well, I’ll be going then” Kame sighed, reaching for the car door. For a moment, I suppressed the weird urge to hug him close as I watched him get up. “See you tomorrow” he smiled at me before he closed the door behind him again, waving.

I waved back, watching him as he walked towards his parents house. Suddenly, I felt strangely empty.

***

The next morning, I was woken up by a call from Pi.

“What do you want?!” I snapped at him sleepily, rolling around in my bed, trying to get back into a comfortable position while I held the phone to my ear.

“To annoy you to death for not calling once since you came back from the US” Pi mock threatened, but his words still managed to create a pang of guilt in my stomach.

“Sorry” I murmured. “Things have been stressy, and-“

“Don’t even start” he murmured, sighing. “I’m not living behind the moon, Jin. It’s not like the whole agency is not talking about what happened to Kame.”

“Oh” I sighed, finally sitting up. “I forgot how well-built the gossip network in JE is.”

“Well, you can’t blame the people for being curious” Pi said. “Kame losing his memory and suddenly hanging out with you again. That does seem like a drama plot.”

“Maybe” I admitted, wondering what the Juniors were saying behind my back. That I was a hypocrite, maybe? That Kame should kick my ass when he remembered everything again.

Pi was quiet for a moment, before carefully asking: “Are you alright?”

It said a lot about our friendship that Pi was asking about my condition first. It showed me that he understood that this was not easy for me, despite what everyone else might say.

“I guess” I murmured, not quite sure what to answer. “I’ve been spending a lot time with Kame. We’ve been getting along well. I guess everything is fine.”

“You guess?” he repeated, sighing. “Okay, Jin, I’m not going to pretend here, so you better don’t, either. Are you really okay with this? To play Kame’s best friend again, when we all know it’s going to be gone when he remembers why you two are not talking in the first place?”

“It’s not like I’m playing a part here, Pi” I protested. “It kind of comes… natural. Kame wants me to be around, and-“

“Kame thinks you’re still his best friend!” he reminded me. “He lives in 2006, for heaven’s sake, Jin! You realize this, right?”

“I do!” I snapped, annoyed by his lecture. “It’s not like you’re the first one telling me this! But what am I supposed to do?! Ignore him?! Let him down?! _Again_?!”

“You understand me wrong, Jin” Pi sighed, seeming pained. “I’m not saying this because I think you’re doing Kame wrong. I know you’re doing this for him, and maybe it makes everything easier for him… But I’m worried about you!”

“Me?!” I asked, stunned. “Why me?”

“Jin, just think about it!” he demanded. “Do you remember how much it dragged you down when Kame and you broke apart for the first time? Seriously, I’ve seen you heartbroken before, when girls dumped you, but this – those times were nothing compared to that!”

I gulped, remembering the months he spoke about – the nights which I went out with Pi, drunk until I hoped not to feel anything anymore, and instead ending up crying in some corner of the club until Pi would drag me home.

“As much as I wish sometimes that you and Kame could be friends again, and that I don’t need to watch my words around either of you – I’m afraid of what it will do to you if you get close to him again now, and then his memories return and he pushes you away again!”

“I won’t let that happen” I murmured, clearing my voice, trying to make the sudden roughness of my voice disappear.

“You can’t guarantee that it won’t!” he protested. “Kame has shut you out of his life before, and there is no promise that he won’t do it again! He’s one of the most stubborn persons I’ve ever met, Jin!”

“I’ll just have to try” I shrugged.

“I don’t want to see you go through this again, okay?” Pi said softly, and I could hear the worry in his voice. “I know how much Kame always meant to you. It’s like you two had some kind of bond that no one of us could touch or understand. I can not quite put it into words… But when you first lost him… It was really scary. I’m afraid that it will be as bad this time, if not worse.”

I kept quiet after he finished, and Pi waited for my answer. When he wanted to speak up again, I finally found my voice, interrupting him.

“I know you’re worried about me” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry about that… But for what is happening now… What do you want me to do?! I can’t leave Kame alone when he needs me.”

“I know you can’t” Pi sighed. “It’s just… be careful, okay? Promise me not to throw yourself into it too much. Always keep in mind that this could end badly, at some point.”

I bended me knees, hugging them close to my chest, not answering. I knew that Pi was right, of course. I knew that there was a possibility that I could lose Kame again after he regained his memory, and even if wouldn’t admit it to him, I _knew_ that it would destroy me if that happened.

But what was I supposed to do?

“I guess my call is pretty useless, right?” Pi murmured, resigned. “You are too deep in the water for me to help you anymore.”

I silently agreed, hoping against logic that I would not drown in it.

***

When I arrived at Kame’s door at precisely 6:47 p.m. (hey, it was before 7, at least), Kame opened the door in an old worn out T-Shirt and sweatpants, and still managing to glare at me intimidatingly as he held the door open for me to slip inside.

“You. Hand over those bags. Now. I’m starving!” he demanded.

“Well, hello to you, too” I teased, unimpressed by the look he gave me. If one thing felt familiar, it was Kame’s nagging.

“Skip the courtesy and let me start to cook!” he demanded, looking as if he wanted to kick me, but deciding against it, as if afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep the balance with his hurt shoulder.

“If you only want me around because I’m bringing the ingredients, I’ll be right out again!” I threatened, giving him a fake pout at his coldness, and the corners of his mouth twitched, showing me that he was holding his smile.

“You have no right to be late AND complain!” he stated, and I allowed him to finally hush me into the kitchen, where I placed the plastic bags I was holding in the counter.

“To my defense – I brought ice cream for dessert!”I clarified, and Kame sat down opposite of me, peeking into the bag.

“Then I guess you’re forgiven” he smiled, looking up at me curiously. “Let’s see what you have there… Let me guess? Pasta?”

“What else?” I shrugged. “I am part Italian, after all.”

Kame seemed content enough with my choice, though, helping me unpacking the rest of the ingredients.

“You want any help?” I scoffed, smiling as I earned a glare from him that screamed _I’ll kill you if you try._ It would not be the first time I ruined one of Kame’s dishes. “Come on” I laughed. “At least let me cut the tomatoes or something! I can’t do much wrong with that!”

“That’s what you say” he murmured darkly, but gave in in the end. Maybe he was already so hungry that he welcomed any time saving. I rolled my eyes at him, smiling to myself as I removed my bracelets and my rings from my hands before washing the tomatoes.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kame reaching out for a ring, mustering it with a thoughtful look on his face. When I looked closer, I saw that it was our Okinawa ring.

“I wonder where mine is” he murmured quietly, and I gulped, wondering if the future Kame had thrown it away. I guess I didn’t want to know.

“Ne” Kame said suddenly, his voice quiet and serious, and I took a shaky breath as I focused on cutting the tomatoes. “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded, though I dreaded where I thought this conversation was going.

“I get by now, that in the future, I seem to be mad at you for something” he said quietly, putting the ring back to my other jewelry. “But were you ever mad at me? Or was it only me who ended our friendship?”

I was silent for a moment, thinking about my answer, as the knife sank into the tip of my thump.

“Ouch!” I gasped, quickly drawing my hand away from the vegetable so I wouldn’t bleed on them.

“What are you doing?!” Kame sighed, getting up and walking towards me, grabbing my hand to inspect the damage I had done. “Hold it under the water!” he advised, opening a cupboard to search for band-aids.

I did as he said, turning away from him towards the sink. When I turned back, I gasped, not having noticed how close he had suddenly come. I wondered why my heartbeat suddenly picked up.

Kame didn’t notice, though. He just grabbed my hand, drying it with a tissue before attaching the band-aid to it carefully. I watched his face as he did, somehow mesmerized by it.

“I never was” I suddenly blurted out, and Kame looked up at me questioningly. “Mad at you.” I added weakly. “You… you had a reason to be mad at me. I was probably insufferable to be around. But I… I never was mad at you. You never did anything wrong.”

Kame seemed to contemplate that for a moment, and I had to suppress the sudden urge to hug him close, and hold onto him.

“Please remind me, okay?” he finally said, locking eyes with me. “If I ever regain my memory, just… remind me of now, and don’t let me push you away any longer, okay? The 2011 Kamenashi Kazuya is a stranger to me, but we share a past, so… he must have some feelings left. And I don’t want to lose you.”

I gulped at his words, and before I knew it, I had reached out for him, pulling him close to me. Kame froze, obviously surprised by my actions, and I breathed in, taking in his breath, my throat tightening painfully.

“Jin?” Kame whispered tentatively after a while. “You’re kind of hurting me…”

Only then I noticed that I was pressing down on his hurt shoulder, immediately jumping back.

“Sorry” I murmured embarrassedly, my eyes returning to the tomatoes. I turned away from him, trying to get a grip of me. What was I doing, getting so sentimental?! This was just what Pi had warned me about…

My self-loathing was interrupted when I felt Kame rest his chin on my shoulder, moving close to me, before murmuring: “Thank you. For being there for me now even though I pushed you away.”

I gulped, at a loss for words, until Kame pressed his hand down on my collarbone, and I squealed, moving away from him. Kame chuckled and I glared.

“Way to ruin the moment, Kame!”

“Baaaka!” he laughed, snatching the knife away from me, advising me to sit down before I supposedly killed myself (and bled all over dinner, which Kame thought would ruin the taste).

After that, we kept our conversations in lighter territories. He finished dinner rather quickly, and we ate in front of the TV, starting to watch the first movie. I had brought The Day The Earth Stood Still, and though Kame didn’t seem as engrossed as I had been the first time I had watched the movie, he seemed to enjoy himself.

“I like Keanu Reeves” he noted at some point. “He is a great actor.”

“And a nice guy” I murmured, only noticing after a moment that I’d slipped. Kame eyed me curiously.

“How do you know?” he asked, blinking.

“I… kind of… starred in a movie with him.” I said hesitantly, and Kame sat straight, staring at me incredulous.

“EHHH?!” he asked, eyes wide. “When?! Where?! HOW?!”

I chuckled, shortly introducing him into my career start in America and the shooting of 47 Rounin.

“Wow” Kame murmured when I had finished, shaking his head incredulous. “I really missed some things, right? I have to admit, I’m kind of jealous. A Hollywood movie…”

“Don’t even think about it, with your English!” I teased, and Kame glared, reaching out to touch my collarbone again. I struggled, calling: “I know where you’re ticklish, and I’m not afraid to use it against you even if you’re hurt!”

Kame laughed, leaning his head back while he did so, ungently knocking the back of his head against the wall. He made a face, and I laughed at him as he rubbed the back of his head.

“Baaaka” I chuckled. “Are you alright?”

“I guess” he murmured, chuckling himself.

We continued watching the movie after that, but I couldn’t help but notice that Kame fell uncharacteristically quiet. I started to worry, wondering if he maybe had bumped his head a little too hard.

“Are you really alright?” I asked after a while, when he rubbed the sore point again.

“I am” he ensured, smiling at me. “Just a slight headache, that’s all.”

“You’re sure?” I prodded, mustering him. “You just recovered from a concussion – if you don’t feel well we should-“

“Stop worrying!” he waved off, and I frowned, looking at him unhappily. Kame chuckled at my expression, squirming in his position on the couch until he lay horizontally, resting his head on my thighs. “Like this is good” he murmured sleepily, and I ignored the way my heart thumped uncomfortably against my ribcage.

We continued to watch the movie like that, and I couldn’t resist the urge to move my fingers to his scalp, running it through his hair, massaging it carefully, paying attention not to touch the sore point. He snuggled into me appreciatively, and I couldn’t help but smile, feeling peaceful like this. When he didn’t even stir at the most exciting scenes, I noticed that he had fallen asleep.

“Kame?” I murmured, but he didn’t react, and I decided to let him sleep, hoping that his headache would be gone by the time he woke up.

When the film ended, I had already drifted off as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/10/27/multichapter-genki-chapter-4/


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Like I promised, here is the new chapter. But be warned – with this chapter, I managed that my beta reader, who is a total Kame lover and principally Jin hater, wanted to hit Kame and felt sorry for Jin :P Yes, I see that as an archievement XD

When I woke up the next morning, Kame’s head was still lying in my lap. I stretched carefully, trying not to move too much to not wake him. I noticed that I had slept in an uncomfortable position – my back hurt, and my neck felt like it was pierced with nails because I had not been able to rest my head anywhere appropriate.

But it was worth it, I figured as I looked down at Kame’s sleeping figure, smiling involuntarily. He seemed really peaceful like this – like the kid I had met back when we had joined the agency. Innocent and friendly.

I gently placed my hand on his head, running it through his hair until he stirred. I smirked as I watched him slowly open his eyes, blinking in confusion.

“What-?” he murmured sleepily as he sat up, stretching once before focusing his eyes on me, staring. I smiled at him.

“Morning” I chuckled, before adding a slightly worried: “How is your head?”

He only stared, and my smile faded as I took in the look in his eyes. The gentle, affectionate look that had still been in those warm brown orbs yesterday was gone all of a sudden, replaced by something different – something so familiar, but in a different way. It made me feel sick to the stomach.

I immediately knew that he remembered. It was so obvious that I did not even have to ask – his whole aura had changed from one moment to another. My sweet best friendish Kame was gone – instead, my ex best friend was staring back at me, making it hard for me to breathe.

No. _No_ , not yet. It was too early. I was not prepared for this. I-

“Kame” I whispered, desperately searching my brain for something to say, something intelligent that would make everything okay again, that would take that look from his eyes. But Kame didn’t let me.

“Get out!” Kame whispered, his voice no more than a hiss.

“Kame!” I whined, desperate. “Please, let’s just talk about this! I-“

“I don’t want to talk!” Kame suddenly yelled, jumping up and staring me down, furious. “What did you think, using my amnesia to waltz back into my life?! Did you think it was the perfect opportunity, because I couldn’t defend myself?!”

“No, Kame!” I called, shaking my head desperately. “That was not what I was trying to do! I-“

“This is so low, even for you!” Kame screamed, not listening to me.

“But – but you wanted me around!” I said quietly, my voice breaking, because _fuck_ , this was not how things were supposed to go. Hadn’t he just told me just yesterday how much he cared for our friendship?

“Of course I did, because back then I didn’t know what kind of selfish ass you were!” Kame yelled, making me flinch by kicking his couch table in fury. The left over plates from last night slipped from it, crashing onto the floor, breaking.

“But last night-“ I almost choked on my words, noticing that I was shaking. “Last night you said-“

“What I said last night doesn’t mean anything!” he yelled, and his words were like a blow into my stomach. “I was not myself last night! And you knew that, you used it shamelessly, and-“

“It did mean something!” I protested desperately. “For me, it meant so much, and you told me that I should remind you, and-“

“I don’t want to be reminded” he snapped, his voice so harsh that I felt slapped. “Yesterday, I still had the mind of a kid. 2006 I was still a kid, Akanishi!” he emphasized my last name, making a tear slip past my eyelids, but he ignored it, having no mercy with me as he talked on. “I’m an adult now, though, and the adult me wants to have nothing to do with a hypocrite like you! Got that?!”

I didn’t answer. I just gulped, trying to hold back my tears. _Fuck_. What happened to my confidence that I could make up with Kame again?! Because now, it felt more impossible than ever.

I just wanted to crawl in on myself and disappear. Disappear from his flat, from Kame’s yelling, from his cold eyes, from the world – just disappear. Because I hated myself for letting things come this far. For destroying my Kame, the 2006 Kame, my best friend, and creating this mad stranger that I felt like I didn’t know him. That had grown to hate me.

“Are you listening to me, Akanishi?!” Kame called harshly, and my head snapped up to look at him again. “Get out of my flat, and out of my life! And don’t you dare come back again!”

“Kame…” I whispered, but instead of listening, he just grabbed me, pulled me up from the couch and pushed me towards the door.

“Just go already!” he yelled, and I felt that he was shaking, too, from the way he was grabbing my arm with his only available hand. He opened the door and pushed me out, without giving me a chance to put on my shoes. Instead, I stood helplessly in the corridor, watching Kame as he threw them after me, together with my jacket, before slamming the door into my face, without a further look at me.

Then, there was silence. I stared at my shoes, as if they could tell me what exactly it was that had happened, the tears running down my face. I did not even try to stop them. I felt like I was being torn apart all over, only it was worse than the first time, because I knew my life without him. I had already lost him once, and then I had him back, if only for a mere 2 weeks, but now, I was not sure how I would be able to return to my other life again.

Hell, my other life was shit. Sure, I had America, and I had my dreams, but what was all of it worth if the person I cared for most hated me?!

I did not know how I made it back into my shoes and down to my car, but when I sat down in the driver seat, I just rested my head on the steering wheel, sobbing, unable to drive. I got my phone out of my jacket, calling the first person that came into my mind. Because he had known it would come to this. He had warned me, but I had not listened.

“Jin?” Pi asked worriedly as he heard my sobs, his breath catching. “What happened?”

“He threw me out of the flat, Pi!” I cried, clutching the phone. “He remembers. Everything. And he hates me. He did not even listen to me! I-“

“Oh Jin” he murmured quietly, seeming pained. “I knew that this would happen, I-“ he sighed, before asking: “Where are you?”

“In my car” I whispered, rubbing on my cheeks to get rid of the tear stains, but as I was still crying hysterically, it was not much use. “In front of Kame’s apartment complex.”

“I’ll be there in a few, okay?” he ensured. “Don’t move, or you’ll drive against a tree, in your state. Stay and wait for me, okay?”

I nodded, though he could not see me, but he didn’t wait for my answer – he had already hung up, leaving me to myself and my tears.

I had still not managed to calm myself down when he turned up about 20 minutes later. He did not come with his own car – it took me a moment to recognize it was Koki sitting on the driver’s side as Pi slipped out, hurrying towards my car, tearing the door open.

It took him one look at me to assess my state, to see that words would be no use now.

“Get out” he sighed, stepping aside. “I’m driving us home.”

When I did as he said, I caught a glimpse of Koki disappearing through the entrance to the building. I bet Pi had called him to take care of Kame, in case he needed comfort, too.

I was silent all the drive to Pi’s flat, silent tears still running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe at them angrily, though I knew it was no use if I did or not – Pi had known me for as long as Kame had, and as well, and he knew how I was feeling no matter if I made myself stop crying or not.

Pi brought us to his place, getting out 2 bottles of beer of the fridge before making me sit down on his couch, handing me one. I put it down on his couch table, ignoring it as I hugged my knees close to my chest, trying to make myself as small as possible on Pi’s huge couch.

“What happened?” Pi asked quietly, eyeing me worriedly.

“He remembered” I brought out, almost choking on my sobs.

“I figured as much” Pi nodded, but his voice was gentle. “But what did he say?”

“That…” I took a shaky breath before continuing, my voice unusually high. “That I used his amnesia to come back into his life, and that I am a hy – hypocrite and that I sh – shall leave him alone, basically.”

“And then he threw you out?” he murmured.

I nodded. “He didn’t even listen to me, Pi!” I burst out desperately. “I wanted to explain to him, but he didn’t let me! I have so much to tell him! Why won’t he fucking listen to me?!”

“Because it’s you, I guess” he sighed, taking a sip of his beer. “He has always been particular about you. Just as you have always been about him. You’re like two extremes – either, you get along so well that nobody can touch what you two have, or you clash so much that nothing can be saved. And well… you know how Kame can be stubborn. If he’s run himself into hating you, then I guess there’s not so much anyone can do about it…”

“So, are you telling me to give up?!” I cried, burrowing my face in between my knees, sobbing into them quietly.

“Jin” Pi whispered, and I felt his arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry, okay? I know this is – this is what I wanted to avoid, okay? I didn’t want to see you like that again!”

“Then make Kame forgive me!” I called desperately. I knew that it was a childish thing to say, but _damn_ , it hurt so much! Just yesterday, Kame had laughed with me and been all sweet and friendly, and now, I had to let him go again?! Just like that?!

“You know I can’t, Jin” Pi murmured. “You know I tried. I’ve been after you two all the time when this started, right? But there is only so much I can do! This is between you and him! And if you want your words to reach him, you will have to make sure they do! Because I can’t!”

I knew that he was right, of course, but it didn’t make anything better. I had never felt this helpless.

“I would do everything, Pi” I murmured into my knees, choking on my tears. “Everything. Just so that he’ll forgive me. Why can’t he just let me?!”

“I don’t know, Jin” he whispered. “I’m not him, you know? I don’t know what he’s thinking. No one does, but him.”

Back in 2006, I had still understood him. I had known him better than anyone else, and I could read him, just like he had been able to read me. Why, _why_ had I gone to the US in 2006, and had lost it all with it?! _Why_ had I gone again back in 2010, without telling him?!

“I’m so stupid” I whispered, and I felt Pi squeeze my shoulder comfortingly. “So _stupid_ … What is so great about America?! I _hate_ my fucking life!”

“I thought it was your dream?” Pi reminded me, sounding pained. “I thought you were happy over there?”

“It still is my dream” I nodded. “But what is it worth if I can’t share it with Kame?!”

“Jin” Pi murmured. “Listen, you’re not alone even if you lose Kame, okay? You still have other friends, you have me, you have Ryo, you-“

“But you are not Kame!” I sobbed. “Kame is different!”

“I know he is” Pi admitted, and it said a lot about how well he understood me that he seemed not offended by my outburst. “But Jin-“

“I need him around!” I cried, clinging to my knees, feeling like screaming because it hurt so much, much more than anything else, I could not bear with it. “I can’t be _me_ without him. I –“ And there it was, the answer to everything, and I just said it out loud, because I knew that it was true. “I love him. So much.”

Pi froze next to me, and I felt his eyes on me, but I did not look up.

“Jin” he murmured, surprised.

I did not answer, and he did not speak up again, either. There was nothing left to say.

Pi comforted me silently until I drifted off into an exhausted slumber. I guess you could only go so long while crying your heart out – at some point, your body has just no energy left. Only I kind of wished that I would never wake up again.

I did though, later that night, when I heard Pi talk softly on the phone with someone in the corridor. I sat up, noticing how he had draped a blanket above me. It was already dark outside, and he had left the light in the living room off. Only a small ray of light fell through the small space of the half open door, and I saw Pi’s shadow as he hung up on whoever he had been talking to.

My head was spinning from the terrible head ache I had, but it did not compare to the pain inside my chest as what had happened came back to me. I lay back down on the couch, staring off into space miserably.

I only looked up when Pi peeked into the room, probably to see if I was awake. When he saw me moving, he crossed the room and sat down on the armrest of the couch. I could not see his face with the lights turned off, but that meant that he couldn’t see me, either, and that seemed appropriate to me. I sure looked like hell.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, but I didn’t answer. He didn’t wait long, probably knowing that I wouldn’t, before continuing: “I just talked to Koki. Kame threw him out of the flat.”

I looked up at him, surprised by those news.

“Koki said he was furious” Pi said, his voice quiet and soft. “He screamed at Koki about how they could even allow you to get near him again. Koki reminded him that it was him in the first place who wanted to have you around, and that he would not listen, and that they all only had wanted his best, and that you really gave it your all to take care of him… And he even asked Kame to talk to you once more, because no matter what had happened, he couldn’t believe that he would hate you that much. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. Before he knew it, he was on the other side of the door, and could hear Kame in his flat, crying.”

“He cried?” I croaked, closing my eyes at the pain that intensified in my chest, as if another knife had been shoved into it. To know that I made Kame cry, even after all those years…

“Koki called the others after that, and they all came, but Kame still wouldn’t open the door. He screamed at them to go away, and Nakamaru had to talk to him through the door for almost an hour until he would finally open it. And even after he did, he did not talk. Koki said it was like he was in some kind of shock, and nothing they said did reach him. He just repeated over and over again that he hated you, and cried.”

I saw the image he described in front of my closed eyes, and when I opened them again, tears slid down my cheeks again. I had never hated myself as much as I did now.

“Seriously, I don’t know what to do with the two of you” Pi sighed, and I could see him shaking his head even in the dark. “This is so sick. Seriously.”

I didn’t answer, though I knew he was right.

“Did you mean it?” Pi asked quietly, after a moment of silence. “What you said earlier? That you… love him?”

I let out a sob, and only nodded. Pi sighed, seeming pained.

“Seriously” he murmured. “This is so fucked up.”

I silently agreed with him as I continued crying to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/11/07/multichapter-genki-chapter-5/


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter. And I’m gonna warn you – my beta reader practically email-screamed at me for the cliffhanger :P Read at own risk! XD ~~Plus, this chapter is terribly emotional and cheesy. Repeat – I warned you!~~
> 
> Insert Song: LANDS - Genki

It had been a week since Kame had remembered everything. Nakamaru had told me that he refused to talk about me, like he had done right after I had left, just pretending that the last 2 weeks had never happened. Instead, he had thrown himself into work, to catch up for everything he had missed.

I had not seen him ever since. I had tried to call him a few times, but he had never picked up. The other KAT-TUN members had offered to arbitrate between us, to get me a chance to talk to him once more, but I had turned it down. Pi was right – it was something that only I could do. _I_ needed to find a way to apologize to him, to tell him how sorry I was. It would be no use if they did it for me. I could not always rely on them. I had done that my whole life, relying on the people around me – on Kame, when we were kids, on Pi, when I was in trouble, and on practically everyone who was willing to help me. It was part of why Kame had stopped talking to me in the first place – because I had thought that the world would revolve around me, and that I could do whatever I wanted, and if I failed, someone would fix it for me.

But that was not how things worked. I had messed up – big time. And I had to fix it for myself. And if it was not possible, I had to live with the consequences.

Which in this case, most likely, was living without Kame. No matter how much it hurt – I had to accept it when he did not want to see me. I had to keep my distance.

In a frustrated moment, Ueda had told me that this had been exactly my fault back when this all had started – that I had let Kame be, and had not even tried to fix it, just giving up. And for him, it may have seemed that way, but for me, there was a significant difference.

Back then, I had tried to run away from the situation drowning myself in my dreams of America and alcohol and girls. I just pretended that it did not bother me that I had lost Kame.

Now, I was more sincere, with myself and with everyone else. If I had been too blind back then to see that what I felt for Kame was more than mere friendship, than it was the clearer to me now. And instead of running away from those feelings, I would treasure and face them. No matter if they would be requited or not.

Also, I would not give up without at least once telling him what was on my mind. Which was why I was here now, in front of Kame’s apartment complex, staring at his post box, a letter in my hand.

I knew that Kame wasn’t at home – he had his radio show tonight, and the rest of today’s schedule was full with KAT-TUN meetings. This was what the others had told me.

It was convenient, I decided. It gave me enough time to take this last step – not only for him, but also for myself. This letter was my last chance, and my last goodbye at the same time, and it required courage for me to go through with it.

I opened the unsealed envelop once more, unfolding the handwritten pages and reading over it once more, to make sure I had not forgotten anything I had wanted to say – anything that I felt like he needed to know.

_Dear Kazuya,_

_I’m not even sure if you are really going to read this letter, or if you will tear it the moment you realize who it’s from. But I wanted to at least give it a try, so I beg you to please, take these few minutes to read what I have to say before you throw it away._

_I’m sorry. I know there are no words that would suffice as an apology to what I have done, but I mean it. I’m sorry for leaving for the US back in 2006, when we had barely debuted, and leaving you alone with all of the pressure. It was not fair, and I was too egoistic to stop only once to think about you._

_Also, I’m sorry for changing so much when I was gone. It was like all those years, I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and with that, I took away the person you once trusted,_ your _best friend. It wasn’t until you lost all your memories back to the moment we were still friends, that I realized how much I must have actually hurt you with that._

_I’m sorry for not even trying to fight for our friendship. For just letting you go like it was all worth nothing. And for running, like I did in 2010, without even telling you. It was not like I felt that you didn’t deserve to know. It was more that I didn’t know how to tell you. That I did not want to face that difficult situation, and instead I ran. Until the day that I heard of your accident, I always kept on running._

_It was only in that moment, when I heard that you were hurt and that I could lose you forever, that I realized how stupid I have been. What I have been doing all this time._

_In that moment, it was like my whole world stopped moving. I just wanted to be with you, to know that you were safe. Fuck my career, fuck America – I felt like it was all worth nothing if I would lose you like that._

_When the others realized that I was serious, they let me stay at your side. I’m still incredibly thankful to them, that they gave me this chance to take care of you. To make sure for myself that you would be okay._

_When you opened your eyes again, and looked at me the way you did when we were still best friends – I knew that it was wrong, fake, but you don’t know how happy it made me. It felt like coming home, and it reminded me painfully of what I had missed so much in the last few years._

_Maybe I should have stayed away from you, I know that. I have considered it. But when you asked me to stay, I just couldn’t. I didn’t have it in me to disappoint you again, to leave you alone again, and I’m going to apologize for everything in this letter, but not for this. If I were thrown in the same situation once more, I would do it again and again._

_No matter if you want me around or not, I will always be there when you need me. I will do everything, take on every distance and obstacle, at any time, if necessary. Whatever you need from me, I will always give it to you. Remember that, no matter how far away I am from you._

_I know that, now, all you want from me is my distance, and if you’re serious, then I will give that to you, too. I will not make your life more difficult with running after you. People always say that when you love something, you need to let it go, and that’s what I will do._

_But I didn’t want to do it without telling you everything you need to know._

_I love you, Kazuya. I know it’s hard for you to grasp that, and damn, I needed too long to figure it out myself, but there is no person in this universe that is more important to me than you. There could never be someone who could even compare. You were always the person who understood me best, the person nearest to me – my best friend, but also a lot more. It’s ironic, somehow, how I always dreamt about going to America and marrying some blonde model and have a dozen Hollywood kids with her… heck, how stupid could I ever be?! I don’t need Hollywood, and all those stupid kids and the stupid model. All I need is you. I know that now, and I’m sorry that I didn’t see it before._

_I love you, more than anything, and even though I know this is probably not what you want to hear, I still wanted you to know._

_I love you, enough to let you go. But that doesn’t mean that those feelings will ever change. God, I’ve loved you from the moment we met, probably, and I can’t imagine a me that does not love you._

_So tell me. Tell me, when you should ever need me. I will be there, no matter what._

_I’m sorry, Kazuya._

_Yours,_

_Jin_

I gulped down my tears as I stuffed the letter back into the envelop. It would do me no good to cry here, again. I knew that it would probably be over with this, but after all, it was my own fault. With this, I just wanted to make sure that it ended the right way, with both of us knowing why and how it ended. To stop me from always wondering what could have been.

With that thought in my mind, I slipped the letter into Kame’s post box, and with a last deep breath, just left.

***

Kame did not give me an answer to that letter. I did not even know if he read it at all, but I just wanted to believe that he did. That my efforts had not completely gone to waste.

I stared to work again. My manager could not have been any more relieved, and I felt from his behavior that he was more careful around me after what had happened at the press conference. Like I was some crazy diva who could explode any minute. I did not pay it any mind, though.

I felt empty, and pathetic. Like I had lost the sense in my work, my life, my dreams, after reliving the bond I used to have with Kame. Like everything paled in comparison to it.

I called Nakamaru every night, asking him if Kame was okay. He did not have much to tell me, always repeating that he worked a lot and did not talk much with them, trying to act indifferent.

I knew what he would tell me. I still called every night.

“Jin” he sighed that one night, seeming tired. “You know how I wish, maybe more than anyone else of the band, that you two would make up again. And if there any way I could get through to Kame, I would talk to him. I swear. But he just shuts us out completely, and it’s just… maybe, it’s better for you to move on. It can’t be healthy for you, to linger like this.”

“I can’t” I answered simply, watching the way the rain drops hit my window, slipping down on it. They looked like tears.

Nakamaru did not answer. Instead, he murmured after a minute of silence: “You’re just as stubborn as Kame. I don’t get you two at all.”

“I think you’re not the only one” I nodded, knowing where he was coming from. What had Pi said? We were like two extremes. That was exactly how it was.

After Nakamaru had hung up, I continued to stare out at the storm that was raging through the black night sky, making even an always lively Tokyo seem empty and dark.

I felt cold. I wanted Kame around. I wanted to hug him close, feel his warmth, and forget the storm outside, the storm around us. Just be with him. That was all I would need.

I pictured Kame’s face in my mind, the content smile of his as he had slept, his head in my lap. Before I knew it, I had grabbed my guitar, lazily playing some chords, pouring my feelings into it.

By the time I was done, the storm had ended. The sun had started to set, and I could hear birds chirping outside as the city slowly started to wake up. I could hear the shower in my neighbor’s apartment, and the first subway trains outside.

I stared at the piece of paper in front of me, double crossing the words I had decided to skip, when my cell phone rang. I picked it up from next to where I was sitting on my bed. I had never packed it away after Nakamaru had hung up last night.

It was my manager on the phone, telling me I had a gig.

“It just came in from your agency” he explained. “Your senpais, Tackey & Tsubasa, are having their 10 years anniversary concert, and they wanted to invite a lot of guests from their agency as co-stars, mostly their kouhais… And they requested for you to have an appearance too. Do you want to do this?”

“Of course” I nodded, not thinking much about it. “I owe a lot to Tackey.”

“But, you know…” my manager continued, suddenly sounding a little nervous. “A lot of people are going to be there… Your ex band, too.”

My stomach turned uncomfortably at that piece of information. I quietly stared at the paper in front of me.

“Can I choose the song I want to perform myself?” I asked, suddenly determined.

“I guess” he answered, seeming taken aback.

“Good” I nodded. “Call the band. I have something to show them.”

***

I felt like I was going to break down from the stress of it as I entered the backstage area of the Tokyo Dome a few weeks later. I really wondered if I would be able to do this. What had I thought as I requested this to my manager?! I should just have skipped this event.

“Akanishi!” I heard a familiar voice call and I turned around, spotting Tackey as he came walking towards me, smiling at me brightly. “It’s good to see you!” he called, patting my shoulder affectionately. “I’m so glad you could make it, being the huge Hollywood star you are now” he teased, and I smiled tentatively.

“It’s nothing” I murmured. “If you want me to come, I’ll be here.”

“Wow, since when have you become such a good obedient boy?!” he chuckled. “Well, whatever. I heard you are going to perform a new song tonight?”

I hoped he did not notice how I paled at the mention of the song. I only nodded.

“Great” he smiled. “Looking forward to that. Anyways, gotta go now. Talk to you later, okay?”

With that, he patted my shoulder once more, before walking past me. I stood there for a moment longer, wondering why the heck I had agreed to this. I must have been out of my mind.

My nervous thoughts were interrupted though, when I heard Tackey call out another name, further down the corridor. My heart stopped for a moment.

“Kame-Chan!”

I turned around almost automatically, spotting him as he peaked out of a dressing room, smiling at Tackey.

“Thanks for coming!” Tackey called, waving. “We’ll talk later, okay? I’m already late because I’ve been chatting too much!”

“Sure, see you later!” Kame chuckled, looking after him before stretching himself, stepping out of the dressing room and closing the door behind him. He started to walk into my direction then, and I just stood there, frozen, staring at him.

He looked thinner than a few weeks ago, I noted. Kame had always had a tendency to lose weight because of emotional stress, and when we had been younger, I had always invited him to all-you-can-eat-buffets to make sure he would eat at all. For example during the production phase of Nobuta wo produce. I wondered if I should ask Nakamaru to do it for me now.

Kame looked up then, spotting me. I stopped breathing as he stared at me, wondering if I should say something, and if yes what -

But as fast as the moment had come, it was gone again. Kame had looked down again, pointedly ignoring me as he walked past me.

I just stood there, listening to his fainting footsteps, torn between both the desire to cry and to run after him and hug him close like a creepy stalker. I did neither of those things, though. Instead, I began my search for my dressing room.

Almost all the other members of KAT-TUN sneaked into my dressing room during the preparation time, probably unnoticed by Kame, to say hello and chat curtly. All of them had apologetic looks on their faces, and I wondered if the misery in my face was really that obvious.

It ate on me, to know that I was in the same stadium as Kame, knowing that he would not talk to me. I wondered how I had managed it for 3 years to share a stage with him without him exchanging any words with me outside work. I had a faint memory of it being bad then. Now, I felt like dying.

Pi came to check on me too, only a few minutes before the concert started. He had Ryo on his side, who kept observing me like I was a cancer patient about to have an attack any minute. I wondered how much Pi had told him.

“Are you okay?” Pi asked quietly, looking into my eyes. “Do you really think you can do this?”

“It’s not like I can hide forever” I shrugged, trying to be realistic, but that seemed to scare Ryo even more. Okay, maybe I had never been very realistic.

Pi sighed, nodded and patting my shoulder comfortingly.

“I have your back, no matter what” he said. “You know that, right?”

“Sure” I nodded, trying to smile gratefully, but I think it came out more like a grimace, judging from the look on Ryo’s face.

The concert started with a few performances from Tackey & Tsubasa themselves, and I watched them from a place backstage, not really focusing on it. I tried to take in the atmosphere of the concert, hoping it would calm me down, but it did the opposite. I had never been good with nervousness, no matter how much I loved performing in front of the fans.

I could see Kame, standing further in the back, watching the concert as well. The other KAT-TUN members stood around him, now and then throwing glances at me, but Kame never looked up. It pressed down on my chest like a 5 tons weight, making it hard for me to breathe.

I was already shaking, from the toll it was taking on me, when a staff member came walking up to me, telling me my performance was the next one. I could make out my band, standing in the back and preparing, and threw a last look at Kame. I wondered if he would leave, when I stepped out onto the stage now. He would surely not want to watch me.

Then, the song from Tackey & Tsubasa ended, and I was advised to take my position. I closed my eyes, seeing Kame in front of me as I heard Tackey shouting out my name. My heart was beating a thousand miles an hour. I seriously thought I would die right here and then.

Instead, the curtain lifted from where I had been standing, and the fans started to cheer. I looked into the mass, not really seeing them as the music started to play. I closed my eyes again, concentrating on it, clasping my shaking hands around the microphone, as I started to sing the lines that I had written down that one stormy night. Singing my heart out.

見上げる空はいつも　ただ青いだけじゃない _(The sky that we look up at, it’s not always just blue_ )  
人はいつもおまえに　優しいだけじゃない _(People won’t just be nice to you all the time)_  
嵐の夜は　ああ泣きそうになるんだよ ( _On stormy nights, I feel like crying)_  
もしもあなたがそばに　いてくれたなら( _If, if only you were by my side)_

My voice caught slightly, and I thought _fuck, not now_ , but I just continued singing, seeing Kame’s smiling face against my closed eyelids as I did.

動き始めた街は　おまえがいなくても( _Even if you’re not there anymore, in a town that’s started to stir)  
_ まるで知らん顔で　回り続けてゆくだろう  _(Everyone will continue living completely indifferently)  
_ 自分だけ止まって　焦りだけ飲み込んでゆく _(_ _Only ever stopping themselves and just swallowing their impatience)_

 _Like I did_ , I thought angrily as my voice fought against the lump in my throat. I had always stood in the way of my own happiness, and run. I still hated myself for it, more than anything.

だからあなたがそばに　いてくれたなら _(_ _That’s why, if only you were be by my side)_  
いてくれたなら _(_ _If you could be here)_

But I had sworn it to myself, hadn’t I? To let him go. No matter how much it killed me. I wanted him to be happy, and I would not stand in the way of his happiness.

I only wished that he would finally start. Being happy, I mean. It would make all of it a little easier.

ああ　負けそうにもなる _(_ _Ah, if it seems like you’ll be defeated)_  
へこたれそうになる _(_ _and you‘re about to lose your confidence)  
_ 元気出せよ　ほら  _(Cheer up, look)_  
元気　元気を _(_ _Lift your spirit)_  
おまえの声で　歌いだせ _(Sing with your voice)_

この世界はおまえのものだ  ( _This world is yours)_

At least mine was. His. Completely.  
 _  
_おまえだけのものだ _(Only yours)_

My vision started to blur from the tears that welled up in my eyes, but I just continued singing, because I felt like shouting it out to the world.

Shouting out how stupid I had been. I had had everything, everything I could ever wish for, and I had thrown it away because I had wanted more, not noticing that I could not fly without wings. And I had left my wings in Tokyo when I had gone to America.

道で拾った財布を　中身をそのままに  ( _It feels like the things I gathered into my bag on the way,)_  
川に捨ててみたら何かが　壊れそうになったよ( _broke when I tried to throw something into the river)  
_ 夕暮れの空は　ああ泣きそうになるんだよ( _The evening sky almost makes me cry)_  
もしもあなたがそばに　いてくれたなら ( _If, if only you were by my side)  
_ いてくれたなら  ( _If only you were here)_

A tear slipped my eyelids, and my voice shook slightly as I continued to sing.

ああ　許せないだろう _(Ah, you probably won’t be able to forgive,)_  
引き下がれないだろう _(and you probably won’t be able to leave)_  
元気出せよ　ほら  _(Cheer up, look)_  
元気　元気を _(Lift your spirit)_  
おまえの声で　歌いだせ _(Sing with your voice)_

この世界はおまえのものだ  _(This world is yours)_  
おまえだけのものだ _(Only yours)_

I lowered my voice as I started to sing the next part, trying to put all my feelings into it. Was Kame listening? If yes, could he hear it? How could he not hear how much I loved him? He _knew_ me, and I had never been hard to read! How come my words could not reach him now?!

Kame had said he had grown up now. The kid from 2006 was gone. But it had to be in there still somewhere, right?

大人は何かしてはくれない _(Adults won’t do anything for you,)_  
何も教えてはくれないよ _(_ _They won’t tell you anything)_  
いま　おまえはおまえの目で _(Right now you only have your own eyes_ )  
この世界を見るしかない _(to see this world with)_

もしその目がつぶれたなら _(If those eyes would stop working,)_  
耳を澄ませばいい _(it’s enough if you just listen carefully)_  
鳥のさえずり _(_ _to the bird’s twitter)_  
木々のざわめき _(and the trees’ stir)_  
地下鉄や車のノイズ ( _to the noise from the subway and the cars)_  
ビルの間を吹き抜けて行く風の音を _(and the sound of the wind that blows between the buildings)_

その耳をうばわれたら( _If those ears would be stolen,)_  
まだ手のひらがある ( _you still got the palm of your hand)_  
手のひらで世界を感じて _(feel the world with it -)_  
いや　世界なんていらない _(_ _no, we don’t need the world)_

Another tear slipped out at those lines, and everyone had probably noticed by now that I was crying, but _fuck_ , it just hurt too much, everything was _too much_ -

あなただけそばにいてくれたら _(If you were by side)_  
それだけでいい _(that’s enough)_  
手のひらで指の先で _(With my hands, with my fingertips)_  
あなたの頬にふれたい _(I want to touch your cheek)_

There was a short pause, and I took in a shaking breath, but even so, my voice hitched when I started to sing again.

ああ　夢の中でも _(_ _Ah, even if it’s in my dreams)_  
あなたに会いたい _(I want to see you)_  
どんな言葉より　その気持ちを _(Rather than any words, those feelings)_  
信じられるのが　おまえの希望 _(_ _I can believe in, and your hope)_

I saw Kame’s thin figure in front of my inner eye, the cold look on his face as he had ignored me, and it was all I could do not to sob into the song.

ああ　負けそうにもなる _(_ _Ah, if it seems like you’ll be defeated)_  
へこたれそうになる _(_ _and you‘re about to lose your confidence)  
_ 元気出せよ　ほら  _(Cheer up, look)_  
元気　元気を _(_ _Lift your spirit)_  
おまえの声で　歌いだせ _(Sing with your voice)_

Because that was all I had. How could I give him up, and let him go, if he looked this fragile? I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be able to listen to his voice in songs when I felt lonely, and watch videos in the internet like some random fangirl, and see that he was _alright_. How else could I leave him alone?!

I wanted him to be happy, to live his life to the fullest, even without me. Why couldn’t he do me at least that favor?!

この世界はおまえのものだ  ( _This world is yours)_  
おまえだけのものだ  _(Only yours)_  
  
The last notes of the song played, and I wiped at my cheeks, though of course, even the last person in this stadium had probably seen that I was crying. I threw a short look into the direction where Kame had been standing before I had entered the stage.

He was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/11/13/multichapter-genki-chapter-6/


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of the series! FINALLY! That one has been driving me crazy, honestly. I have never been quite content with it. But finally, I was able to finish it :) Enjoy!

I fled back into my dressing room after my performance, to give myself some room to calm down. I was mad at myself, for breaking down like this on stage. How pathetic must that have seemed? I had wanted to spread a message with the song, not to seem like a desperate case.

Maybe that was why Kame had disappeared. He had probably not wanted to watch it. I must have seemed like some silly ex girlfriend that could not let go.

I tried to compose myself, knowing that I could hardly hide throughout the entire concert. This was Tackey & Tsubasa’s day, not mine. Kame had probably been right when he had called me egoistic. I always managed to draw attention to my own needs in the most horrible moments.

I finally got up, checking the mirror once before I finally left the room. There was nothing much I could do about my puffy red eyes.

As I dragged myself down the corridor, I wondered if I had missed the KAT-TUN performance. Then, again, did I want to watch it? Wouldn’t it hurt a lot more, seeing the five of them perform without me?

My thoughts were interrupted, though, when I heard noises down that corridor. It made me look up, and I spotted a staff member, knocking onto a dressing room door.

“Kamenashi-San?” he asked nervously. “It’s time for your performance. Everyone is waiting.”

I froze, watching how the door opened, and Kame stepped out, nodding once to the staff member before hurrying down the hallway in quick steps. From the glimpse I got of him, he looked unsettled.

The staff member hurried after him, and both disappeared out of my sight quickly. None of them took notice of my presence.  
I gulped as I made myself move again, walking further down the halls, until I reached Kame’s dressing room door. The door was still open, and I could not help myself to take a look inside, taking in the familiar, strictly organized chaos in it. My eyes flew over a few clothes that hung on a chair, a splint that lay on a table, apparently for his shoulder, and it made me wonder if his injury was really already fully healed. Probably not, knowing him, but that would never stop him from performing anyways.

It was then, that my eyes landed on a piece of paper on the floor. I stared at it for a moment, before my curiosity got the best of me. I took a quick look around, checking that I was not being watched, before I took a few steps into the dressing room, picking up the paper.

It took me a moment, to realize that I was staring at my own handwriting. My own words. The letter I had put into Kame’s mail box weeks ago, without ever receiving an answer.

It was crumbled, at some corners, as if Kame had grabbed it too tightly, but it was still in one piece, not torn. And most probably read.

I gulped, staring at it in confusion. Had Kame been carrying it around with him? Why?

It was then, that I heard Tackey shout “KAT-TUN” into the crowd, announcing them, and as if on a reflex, I clung to the letter, turning around and running out of the dressing room, down the corridors, trying to get to the stage.

When I finally managed to get to the familiar area in the back of the stage, from which I could oversea what was happening outside, I was out of breath. Pi noticed me, asking me if I was alright, but I just held up a hand to stop him from speaking, looking around, trying to spot Kame. Pi was staring at the crumbled letter in my hand, frowning as the music started.

My throat tightened, when I recognized the first tunes of “Real Face”. Of all songs they had released over the years, they had to perform our debut song tonight. As if everything was not already being difficult enough.

Then I spotted Kame, when the spot light found him. He blinked against the light directed on him, and I gulped, seeing his tensed expression. The way his whole body seemed closed in, his fist balled, his jaw clenched. Was the light blinding him really the reason for his glassy eyes?

It seemed to take an effort, for him to really start singing, and when he did, his voice sounded rough, and thin.

“ギリギリでいつも生きていたいから“ He almost flinched when Nakamaru joined in, taking the part that had once been mine, closing his eyes as he continued: „さぁ 思いっきりブチ破ろう。リアルを手に入れるんだ。“

The music picked up after that. I barely noticed how the rest of the band entered the stage, Koki starting to rap, as my eyes were fixed on Kame. He still did not move, his hands balled to fists, his eyes closed.

I saw him let out a shaky breath as Ueda started to sing my part. He opened his eyes, and my own hand balled into a fist, too, when I realized there were tears in his eyes. Kame, losing his composure on stage. I couldn’t even remember when this had last happened. If it ever happened.

“Kame…” I whispered, and I felt Pi’s eyes on me, but my own were still fixed on Kame’s frozen figure on stage.

“すべって空振り… Ohh…“ Ueda ended, continuing to sing, blinking as Kame did not join in. It was that moment, apparently, that Kame noticed his input was needed, because he started, joining in belatedly, his voice sounding small and tight. “…ありえねーウソ並べたって 世界 変えられやしない…“

The others had probably noticed as well, that Kame was not quite himself up there, because Koki inconspicuously moved to his side, throwing an arm around his shoulder. I gulped, wishing I could be up there, ensuring Kame. The letter in my hand crumbled even more the harder I pressed down on it in frustration.

“夢を語るフリしてれば“ The song continued, but Kame seemed to have trouble participating. I could see his lower lip trembling, and him trying to take a shaky breath as Koki’s rap mixed in with the other’s singing. His comforting arm seemed to have no effect on Kame. “なんか大人になれる気がして 、舌打ちをした。“

The signature click of tongue failed to come, and as the chorus started, I saw a tear slipping past Kame’s eyes. Before I knew it, he had slipped out of Koki’s embrace, fleeing the stage without a word. I saw the rest of the band exchanged panicked glances, as if they were unsure how to react, but they continued the song without him.

Before I knew it, I was running. Pi called after me, but I did not stop, making my way to the other side of the stage, trying to get to the exit Kame had disappeared through.

After bumping in about 4 staff members on my way, I spotted Kame, sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall in a dark corner, next to two boxes of water bottles. I could see that he was shaking, the sobs running through his body as he cried into his knees. The chorus was just ending when I plopped down in front of him, my hand flying to his shoulder.

“Kame!” I called, so that he could hear me over the music.

Kame looked up at me just as the rest of the band started singing the next verse, and when I saw the tears in his dark warm eyes, the way he looked at me, I could not help myself but reach out for him and pull him into my arms.

“I hate you!” Kame whimpered, trying to push at me, but I did not let go of him. “Stop affecting me so much! Why can’t you just let me hate you properly?! It’s been like this for years, and I’m sick of being the one who sits at home alone, crying-“

“I’m sorry!” I murmured into his ear, my own voice breaking. I was not quite understanding what he was saying, but I held onto him with all my might, trying to make his pain disappear. “I’m sorry. I love you.”

Kame let out another sob, and instead of pushing me away, he suddenly clung to me. “I hate you. So much!” he whispered, and it made me look up at him again pleadingly. Our eyes met, and before I knew it, Kame had pulled me to him, his lips on mine.

“ギザギザで牙をむき出しながら…“

The second chorus started. I was barely able to move, or to breath, as Kame’s lips moved over mine desperately. Then, he let go of me, his breath still on my lips, as he repeated: “I hate you…”

“You’re allowed to” I croaked, reaching out touch his cheeks with my fingertips, wiping away the tearstains. “You went through a lot of shit because of me, and I’m so sorry. You’re allowed to hate me.”

There was a short silence, and I noticed how the second chorus ended outside. Shit.

“Kame, pull yourself together and go back out there on stage. The others need you…” I murmured, looking into his eyes. Kame looked back, and I was not sure what he was searching in my gaze, but he seemed to find it.

Before I knew it, he had pushed himself up, grabbing the mic he had left on the floor next to him. I stood as well, and before I knew it, Kame suddenly took my hand, intertwining our fingers. I blinked, too shell-shocked to react as he suddenly pulled me after  
him.

He started to sing again, joining into the last chorus. Before I knew it, we were standing in the lights, and I could hear the crowd cheering so loud I barely heard anything but the fans. I saw Koki, Nakamaru, Ueda and Taguchi turn around, staring at us as Kame pulled me along onto the stage, standing into their middle with me.

Nakamaru seemed relieved, staring at me, looking like he was about to cry himself. Ueda was smiling, his face directed to the crowd. Koki put an arm around Kame, as if to show his approval. Taguchi was smirking stupidly, putting an arm around my shoulders and holding his microphone to me, urging me to sing the last lines of the song with them. I did, almost out of an instinct, not quite realizing what was happening.

“さぁ 思いっきりブチ破ろう” Kame squeezed my hand a little tighter, and I heard Koki rapping next to him, the crowd cheering, and for a moment, I felt dizzy. It felt surreal. “リアルを手に入れるんだ。“

While Koki ended the song with his rap, I looked at Kame, but he was looking into the crowd, his eyes stubbornly avoiding mine. Still, he did not let go of my hand.

The noises from the crowd were almost deafening when the song ended, and though I was still shaking and wondering if I was going to break down right here and there, I felt that maybe, it was going to be alright.

***

After we had left the stage, everything was chaotic. Taguchi and Koki were asking excited questions, which I was too strained and confused to answer myself, and Kame – well, he just stayed quiet. He had let go of my hand, and was avoiding my eyes, and I felt like screaming because I did not know what to make out of it. Then Pi came, hugging me in relief because he thought Kame and I had made up already, which I was not sure we had, and then Ryo turned up, Yokoyama on his heels, asking if Kame and I were an item now.

I was too dumbfounded to answer, and luckily, the only ones who seemed to have heard him were Pi, who hit him in the arm the moment the words were out, and Taguchi, who stared at him as if deciding if he was joking or not.

I was glad, when finally, Ueda spoke up, calling into the round: “Okay, everyone, QUIET NOW!”

Everyone stopped talking immediately, staring at him. Ueda looked around in surprise, murmuring: “Wow, that worked?”

Nakamaru began to speak then, looking back and forth between me and Kame.

“I don’t know what happened, but maybe we should leave you two alone to talk some more. Because I can’t believe those few seconds backstage could be enough to solve whatever was going on between you.”

“Exactly what I wanted to say” Ueda nodded. “How about you two go home. I don’t think you’re that desperately needed for the after show party. We will explain to Tackey.”

Kame opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to protest, but Koki cut him off. “It’s okay, we said!” he snapped. “Just listen to us for once and go talk to Akanishi! That’s more important.”

Kame gulped, as if not quite sure what to do, and that was when Pi put an arm around Kame’s shoulder holding out a flat hand.

“Your car keys” he demanded, at Kame’s confused expression. “You will go with Jin now, and I will bring your car home to you when we’re done. I’ve come with Ryo, it’s okay.” Kame did not move for a moment, and Pi looked at him impatiently, poking him into his chest until he gave in, sliding his car keys out of his jeans pocket, handing them over to Pi. “Alright” he nodded, gently pushing Kame forwards. “Go now, before we need to drag you!”

Pi caught my eyes, nodding to me, and I gulped, looking at Kame. He flashed a short look at me, hardly meeting my eyes, before stepping forward, walking down the corridor in a slow pace, waiting for me to catch up. With a last murmur of thanks to the others, I followed him.

***

In my car, we stayed silent. Kame looked out of the window while I threw him short, nervous looks, trying to not let his presence distract me too much from driving. But it seemed like I needed to check at least every five seconds that he was still there, as if he could just disappear into thin air like this.

I drove us to his flat, letting him lead the way up to his apartment, following him silently. He still did not look at me as he unlocked the door, leaving it open for me to slip inside after him. We slipped out of our shoes, still in silence, and Kame entered the flat further, me dragging after him hesitantly.

“Kame?” I asked quietly, unsure what to do or to say.

“Do you want a beer?” he asked suddenly, catching me off guard. I nodded, but with his back turned to me, he could not see it. He did not seem to need my answer, though – he walked into the kitchen anyways, opening the fridge, taking out two bottles. I silently took one from him, watching him as he took a sip, leaning against the kitchen counter, his eyes cast downwards.  
“Kame?” I murmured, almost whispering. It felt like my voice was stuck in my throat. “Are we going to talk now?”

Kame sighed, taking another sip of his bottle, seeming uncomfortable.

“Talk” he murmured. “If you want to talk, start.”

I fidgeted with the etiquette of the beer bottle, frowning at him.

“I’m not quite sure what to say” I admitted. “I think I said everything I wanted to in that letter.” Hesitantly, I got out the crumbled piece of paper from the pocket of my jacket, putting it onto the kitchen table in the middle of us. “You read it, right?” I checked.

“Just now” Kame murmured, staring at the letter on the table. “Right after your performance. How come you have it?”

“I found it on the floor” I murmured, and Kame just nodded, still not looking at me.

“Kame” I pleaded. “Please, talk to me! You know all I’m thinking already! It’s time you let me know what’s going on inside of you, too!”

Kame sighed, making a face as he took another sip from his bottle. It was already half empty. I stared at him, waiting for him to speak.

“Do you really hate me?” I asked quietly when he didn’t.

Kame took a deep breath, murmuring: “I don’t know, really. It’s complicated.”

“Enlighten me, please” I whispered.

“I don’t know what to say!” Kame snapped, his fingers tightening around the bottle in his hand in frustration. “I don’t know what to believe you. What to do. What to feel. It’s all too much.”

“What do you mean, what to believe me?” I asked in confusion. “It’s not like I ever lied to you, did I?!”

“But you kept things” he pointed out, the simple words feeling like a blow in the stomach. “It’s as good as lying, really.”

“I know” I admitted, taking a shaky breath. “And I’m sorry, okay? For everything I did. For not telling you when I left the band. For everything else, too. I know, I made a lot of mistakes. But everything I wrote in this letter was the truth. Really.”

“Why now?” Kame murmured, shaking his head. “It’s been years, Jin! I’ve tried all these years to tell myself that you’re an egoistic ass and that you never cared for me! And now you come back, telling me all of a sudden that you love me, when I loved you all these fucking years, and-“

“You did?” I whispered, taken aback. My heart fell into the pit of my stomach, and I stopped breathing. “You loved me?”

Finally, Kame met my eyes, nodding.

“Ever since we were teenagers” he murmured. “I just realized it, though, when you went to America in 2006. That’s why it was such a shock, when-“

“When I came back and had changed so much” I finished his sentence, feeling like I had found the missing puzzle piece. Of course, Kame would have been much more affected by my behavior than the others, if he had had feelings for me. Why had I not seen it back then?!

“Exactly” he nodded. “It was like the Jin that I cared for so much … He suddenly died, and was exchanged by some arrogant womanizing jerk, and I just – I could not take it.”

“I’m sorry” I murmured, my own hands tightening around the bottle in my hands. “I know I’ve been stupid! You know how immature I’ve always been, Kame!”

“Oh, I know” he nodded, sighing.

“But I changed!” I promised, trying to catch his eyes, but he was looking down again. “Back then, I was too stubborn to let you see how hurt I was when you cut off our friendship! All those years, I tried to act as if it didn’t affect me, when really, it was eating me up from the inside! And then, this accident happened, and I – I just couldn’t anymore!”

“So you first had to think that I would die, before you realized that you could not write me off like that?” he demanded, shaking his head incredulous. “That’s not really flattering, you know!”

“That’s not what I meant” I called, desperate because I felt misunderstood again. I knew I had never been good with words, but sometimes, I also felt like Kame wasn’t listening. “I always cared for you! And if that accident would never have happened, I’d probably have crawled back to you some other time! It was just one way of letting me realize that you were more than just some friend to me!”

“I’m scared, okay?” Kame cried back, closing his eyes. “I mean, can you even imagine how hard it was all this time to try to forget you?! To try to hate you?! And now, you turn up here, telling me that you love me and that you – how can I believe that? And even if I did, how would I know that you would not disappear again the next best moment, tearing me apart completely! I can’t let that happen, Jin! I’m not that strong!”

“What can I do?” I asked desperately, feeling my throat tighten again at the tears I was holding back. “What can I do to make you believe me? Would it help to know that I fled a press conference, the day after you fell off stage, because I felt like a part of me would die if I would lose you like that, and I needed to see you? Would it help to know that I’ve never felt as miserable as the day you threw me out of your flat when you remembered? That I spend the whole night at Pi’s, crying my eyes out? That I called Nakamaru every night since, trying to hear something about you? Why the hell would I have done all of that if I was not serious?!”

“I don’t know!” Kame yelled, running his own hand through his hair in frustration, fisting it. “I don’t know, okay?! I – You always confused me, Jin! I was never able to think straight when you are around, and I’m scared to be doing the next huge mistake when I give in now!”

“Don’t act like I’m poisonous or anything!” I moaned, leaning onto the kitchen counter in front of me with my elbows, burying my face in my hands. “I never wanted to do you any harm, okay?!” I continued, my voice muffled through my hands. “I love you, you idiot, and I never intended to hurt you, so just let me show you!”

We were silent for a moment, and I had to take my hands off my face to be able to take a deep, steadying breath, to hold the tears in. If I started to cry now, all that would come out of my mouth would be nonsense, so I tried to keep myself together.

“You know” Kame murmured, his voice sounding small and tired. “It’s kind of weird, but I remember everything what happened during my amnesia. Everything you did, everything I felt – and it’s just so hard, you know? To live through all of this again, and then wake up at one point with everything I’ve been through in the last few years. I don’t know what’s real anymore, Jin! Who is the real you? The one that turned up in the hospital when he heard I was injured, and stayed at my side when I needed him? The one that used to be my best friend in 2006? Or the one that returned from America in 2007, and left again in 2010? Who shall I believe?”

“None of them” I murmured, catching his eyes. “I’m right in front of you, and yes, I do have a lot of bad sides to me. You know it and I know it. I can be insensitive and egoistic… But it’s also true that you mean the world to me, and that I would fly across the world if I knew that you needed me, and that I want nothing more than to hold you right now! I can’t tell you I’m one or the other – I’m always both! I promise I will try my best to never hurt you again, if you give me the chance – but I will never be perfect! I will always make mistakes, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you! And if you have only the slightest trace of feelings for me left, then please stop being so stubborn and give me another chance, Kazuya!”

“I’m not perfect either, okay?!” he shot back, seeming pained. “Yes, I am stubborn, and I built walls around me. I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, especially by you! It’s not that easy for me, to jump over my own shadow!”

“It’s not for me, either!” I called. “Do you think it was easy for me, everything that happened in the last few weeks?! To stay by your side, when I knew that you would push me away again when you remembered everything? It was fucking hard, but for you, I stayed! I wanted to change, for you! Can’t you just try to do the same for me?”

“I’m trying!” he snapped.

“Doesn’t seem like that to me!” I yelled, resentment taking over my words. “All I hear is that you love me, but are scared to act on it! Show courage for once and stand up for your feelings, and don’t run away when things get rocky!”

“Says the right one!” he shot back. “Who was the one who ran first, all the way to America! Surely not me!”

“ True, I ran – but I came back, and realized what a mistake it was. You never managed to do that. You’re still running yourself so much into the thought that you’re the victim of this, and I can’t be trusted! But for weeks from now, I’ve done everything, just to show you how sorry I am and how much you mean to me, and still, you don’t want to see it! So who’s running away now?!”  
Kame pursed his lips, looking away from me again. I groaned in frustration.

“LOOK AT ME, KAZUYA!” I yelled, hitting the kitchen table with my balled fist. “Stop running and face me, damnit!”  
There was a moment of silence, and I saw how Kame’s lip quivered, before he did as I said, meeting my eyes. We looked at each other for a long moment, not saying anything, and all I wanted was to cross the distance between us and pull him into me. He was so close, and yet all we did was fighting. It hurt so much, to not be able to just reach out to him.

“What do I have to do, Kazuya?” I repeated, my voice thin, desperate. “Tell me what to do, and I will. If you’ll just give me another chance.”

He did not answer, just mustering me from his position on the other side of the table, and I broke. Tears slipped my eyes and I let out a strangled sob, looking down to my hands.

“Is there really no way to fix this?” I asked brokenly, my sight blurring with the tears that overwhelmed me once more. “Is it really broken for good?”

Kame did still not move, just watching me as I cried. In that moment, I wondered if I should just leave. If there was any sense in me being here right now. Sure, I loved him, but obviously, no matter what I did, he could not forgive me! Maybe it was best if I gave up…

But I couldn’t. In the end, I couldn’t, because it was not anyone, it was Kame, and I needed him in my life. No matter what kind of fool I had to make out of myself for it.

I only looked up again when Kame sank down to the floor on the opposite side of the kitchen, staring off into space, looking as broken as I felt.

“Stop crying” Kame whispered, seeming pained. I could see the tears in his eyes as well, hear them in his voice, but he gulped, trying hard to hold them back. “I could never see you cry. Even less because of me. So just stop.”

I bit my lip, trying to drown out my next sob, but not quite succeeding, and Kame closed his eyes, a tear of his own following as well.

“Kazuya?” I asked shakily, not quite sure what to do. Fuck, why had everything with him to be so complicated?!

“I don’t want to think anymore” Kame whispered, his voice catching. ”If I think, stupid things will come out of it, and I – I don’t know any more. I kind of wished that I never remembered. It would make things less complicated. It wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“But it wouldn’t feel real” I answered quietly, my voice breaking slightly. “I don’t want any more untruths. I want reality between us.”

Kame gulped, and I sank down too, onto the floor, leaning my head against the cold surface of the kitchen counter between us, shielding myself from his side. It felt better, to not see him for a moment. I felt like I could talk better, when he was not facing me with this closed off face.

“Me neither” Kame said finally, and though I could not see him, I could hear the tears in the way his voice was quivering. “But I would like the pain to disappear, too. All the bitter feelings. I wish I could just erase them.”

“Then let me try” I whispered, desperate. “Please, Kazuya. Let me try to make it up. Let me love you.”

“I – I don’t know” Kame breathed, sounding more broken than ever. “I don’t know anymore, Jin. It’s all too hard.”

“You’re making it harder than it is” I accused, but the force was lacking in my voice.

“Probably” he agreed, his voice tired. “But there’s nothing I can do against it.”

“Maybe I should go then” I whispered, feeling as tired as he sounded. “I don’t think it makes much sense anymore, if that is your decision. If that is how you feel-“

“Don’t” Kame whispered, interrupting me.

“Ha?” I asked, raising my eyebrows, though I knew he could not see me. “You want me to stay?” No answer. I waited a moment, before I crawled around the kitchen counter, glancing around the corner until I could see him – slouched on the floor, his back leaning against the cupboards behind him, his face smashed in between his pulled up knees. “Kazuya?” I whispered, still crawling closer hesitantly, waiting every moment for him to look up at me and tell me to stay away again. He didn’t though, not moving, as if he was unaware of my presence.

“Kazuya, say something!” I demanded, finally reaching for him, putting my hand on his shoulder to shake him. “What do you want? Talk to me!”

He finally looked up again, and his eyes were red and puffy, making him look younger, somehow, like he was 14 again. 14 and sweet and uncomplicated.

“I don’t know” he whispered, his voice so faint that I almost did not hear him. “I don’t know. I wish I knew.”

“You have 2 choices” I said quietly, clinging to my last string of hope, because damn, if I did not make a move, we would sit here forever, crouched on his kitchen floor, talking in circles. “Either, you reject me once and for all now, and I’m gonna leave, or I’m gonna kiss you. Choose.”

“Don’t do this to me” he murmured, sighing.

“What? Kissing you? Or leaving?” I enquired.

“Making me choose like this” he returned. “When you know I can’t.”

“If you don’t answer, I’ll make my own choice” I threatened. “Now is your last chance.”

“Jin-“

“3” I whispered, and Kame closed his eyes, seeming pained. “2 – 1” I waited. Nothing.

Then, I moved again, crossing the distance between us, pressing my lips firmly to his. At first, Kame did not move, his lips pressed together, unyielding. Then, I pulled my arms around him, holding him firmly against me as my lips moved softly against his, trying to pry his open. When he still didn’t, I licked over his lips, praying for any reaction, any at all, that would tell me that I had not lost already, and that I was not fighting an impossible fight –

And then, Kame’s tense form slumped in my arms, and his lips softened under mine, opening up for me. Letting down his guard. Another tear slipped my eyes, almost in relief, as I slipped my tongue into his mouth, running it over his.

Kame kissed me back, but only slowly, as if he was still thinking, and I did not like it. He had done enough thinking for a life time. Nothing good could come out of it if he continued to think, he had said so himself. So I tried to keep him distracted, to keep his mind only on me; on my lips, my touch, and my voice.

I whispered his name against his skin as I kissed up his neck, nibbling on his ear, murmuring: “I love you…”, drawing him closer to me.

It felt like Kame let himself fall into my care, after that. Or at least, I hoped that he did – I did not dare to ask, or to stop only a moment to see if he would reach for me, or push me away.

I kissed him for what felt like an eternity, there, on his cold kitchen floor, pressed up against the little space between his kitchen counter and the cupboards in his back. Holding him so close that I did not feel the hard surface around us anymore. Until I only felt him, his heat and the softness of his skin.

Clothes were shed. Hands moving over bare skin. Breaths mingling. Kame’s scent filling my senses, until I could not think straight anymore. And I sincerely hoped that he could not, either.

At least, he did not seem to mind when I pressed him up against the door of his cupboard, kissing down his chest. I only felt the rising and falling of his torso when my lips lingered on his stomach, tasting the soft skin there, before my fingers worked on the buttons of his jeans. He did not stop me.

Instead, he let out a loud moan, when I took his erection into my mouth. That was good, I thought. He did not seem to think any longer. Not wanting to throw me out. We were making progress.

And then I stopped thinking as well, just feeling him in between my lips, the way his body twitched at  every move of mine. Because of me. I was making him feel like this, and it gave me the strength, letting me think that this was right – this was how it was supposed to be. Me and him. No more doubts. Just us.

I lost track of things, then. One moment Kame’s fingers had fastened themselves in my hair, the next he was kissing me, moaning my name as he lowered himself into my lap. And then we were moving together. More skin moving against each other, hot breath changing into pants, and it was good, no, fantastic, just right.

Kame clung to me, and I felt from the way his grip tightened on me that he would come soon. I helped him along, my hand moving over him. I went over the edge with him, and lost all orientation afterwards.  
Just Kame and me. So good.

***

I woke up the next morning, from the sound of a buzzing cell phone. Somehow, we had made it into Kame’s bed, and he was in my arms, stirring from the loud sound. His back moving firmer against my chest, as if he wanted to cuddle himself into me to escape the loud sound.

I blinked against the stream of sunshine that entered the room from the little space where his curtain was not covering the window. My head sank further into the pillow, my face smashing into Kame’s hair. Inhaling.

“It’s your cell phone” Kame murmured after a while, his voice hoarse. I only groaned, still not sure if I wanted to move.  
The vibrations stopped. Then, they started again.

“Take it” Kame barked, annoyed. He drew the blanket tighter against himself, almost covering his face with it, too. He was about the most adorable thing I had ever seen, I thought.

Finally, I did bring myself to move. I left the bed grudgingly, weaseling out of the room and back into the kitchen, rummaging through my jeans until I finally found the buzzing cell phone in my pocket. It had only been so loud, really, because it had lain pressed onto the tiles of the kitchen floor.

I groaned as I checked the caller ID. Pi.

“What do you want?” I groaned as I finally took the call, sneaking back into the bedroom. Kame still lay in the same position I had left him in. He did not move to turn to me as I crawled back under the blanket.

“So you are still alive?” he asked sarcastically. “I figured I might better check if you are not lying somewhere in your flat, with an overdose of sleeping pills and alcohol. Or cut open veins or something.”

“Obviously, I did not kill myself, no” I murmured, smiling when Kame skimmed closer to me inconspicuously, until his back pressed against my chest again. His skin was warm and comforting.

“Good, because I was just going to call the police” Pi returned, letting out an exasperated breath. Then, his voice turned softer. “Did you make up?” he asked hesitantly. “You and Kame.”

My eyes directed onto the back of his head. The messed up state of his brown hair. His neck, his naked shoulders.

“Jin?” Pi asked once more, impatient. “Are you still there?”

Before I could answer, though, Kame had reached backwards, fumbling clumsily until he could take the phone out of my hand. I stared, dumbfounded as he raised the phone to his own ear.

“Yes, we did” Kame groaned finally, his voice still rough from the sleep. “And now stop annoying me, Yamashita. I have a lot of sleep to catch up to.”

“Kame?!” I heard Pi ask in surprise. “You two are together?! Does that mean-“

“Bye” Kame cut him off before just hanging up. He buried the phone under the pillow, slouching against the matrices again.  
I smiled, before nuzzling my face into my neck, taking in his scent.

“Been overworking yourself again?” I murmured against him, feeling him shiver against me.

“Even if I would not have, I could not have slept. Someone’s been confusing me with his attitude” he returned lazily. “And letters I refused to read.”

“How mean of him” I grinned, tightening my arms around his waist.

“I know. But somehow, I could not get rid of him. He has always been nagging, you know.”

“Nagging” I repeated. “That’s very uncooperative of him.”

“I know.”

“So what are you gonna do about him?”

“Nothing” he murmured, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “He is as near as impossible to get rid of. So I’ll just let him stay.”

“Must be annoying for you” I chuckled, delighted at his way his body shook with chuckles as well.

“You have no idea” he answered, lacing his fingers through mine. I closed my eyes, resting against him.

Yes, it was good like that. Just the two of us. No, it was awesome. And I would not let go of it ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/12/27/multichapter-genki-chapter-7/


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